Overly Macho and Grande

« August 2008 »

Memo to David Zucker: SURELY, YOU ARE DUMB.

And so is Stephen Hayes of the Weekly Standard, by the way. The two have joined forces to produce what may very well be the defining right-wing puff piece of our generation - a lengthy profile of "Airplane" director David Zucker and the cast of his new movie, "An American Carol".

This thing has it all, I tell you. Persecution complex? Check. Uncritical fawning? Check. Unfounded paranoia? Check. And vivid descriptions of scenes from the movie that accidentally make it clear just how awful it's going to be? Check squared.

You see, David Zucker is a conservative. And not just any conservative, but a piss-stained, post-9/11 conservative convert. These are the most annoying conservatives of all, because they don't have any real convictions. They're just lashing out in the dark, looking for someone to hold them and tell them they'll be safe from the boogeyman... As long as they keep making donations to the GOP, and maybe the occasional ham-handed political satire. They truly put the "reaction" in "reactionary". Take a look at the first scene from "Carol" that Hayes describes.

"Just as the officer pulls on the zipper, however, a small army of ACLU lawyers marches up to the policemen with a stop-search order. The cops look at each other and shrug their shoulders. 'This says we can't search their bags.' The young men are relieved. They smile fiendishly as they walk toward the crowded platform. As the lead terrorist once again slips the backpack over his shoulder, he mutters his appreciation. 'Thank Allah for the ACLU.'"

Yes, the ACLU, pursuing it's crazy, left-wing agenda, is the best friend of terrorists, allowing them to bypass common-sense security measures and kill us all. Yawn. I am so mind-numbingly bored with this weaksauce bullshit. Yet, according to Zucker and Hayes, there's no way I could possibly be bored. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Zucker's latest movie, An American Carol, is unlike anything that has ever come out of Hollywood. It is a frontal attack on the excesses of the American left from several prominent members of a growing class of Hollywood conservatives. Until now, conservatives in Hollywood have always been too few and too worried about a backlash to do anything serious to challenge the left-wing status quo. David Zucker believes we are in a 'new McCarthy era'."

It's pretty fucking amazing how every single time one of these pisscon propaganda pieces come out it's seen as the only movie ever to break the ultra-liberal lockdown in Hollywood. Somehow, despite the New McCarthyism, I've had no problem whatsoever finding people getting paid to say the things Zucker wants to, and currently is, being paid to say. So cry me a fucking river. What other great conservative ideas are the Hollywood bigwigs keeping me from seeing?

"[T]he film follows the exploits of a slovenly, anti-American filmmaker named Michael Malone, who has joined with a left-wing activist group (Moovealong.org) to ban the Fourth of July... When terrorists from Afghanistan realize that they need to recruit more operatives to make up for the ever-diminishing supply of suicide bombers, they begin a search for just the right person to help produce a new propaganda video... When they settle on Malone, who is in need of work after his last film (Die You American Pigs) bombed at the box office, he unwittingly helps them with their plans to launch another attack on American soil."

Wow! I can't believe Zucker is finally getting onto film the subtle imagery of a fat, stupid Michael Moore parody whose liberal beliefs cause him to directly aid America-hating terrorists! I feel so liberated. It's like I'm back in 2004, watching the exact same joke play out in Team America: World Police. Only they had puppets in Team America, so they didn't have to resort to Chris Farley's brother Kevin, who is also, conveniently, a persecuted douchebag.

"There was this dance that we did--a dance familiar to conservative actors in Hollywood. Lots of actors have done it. I usually just bite my tongue unless it gets too ridiculous. The only thing that really bothers me is when they go off about the president. It just gets annoying."

Yes, Kevin. As a Hollywood conservative, you are the only person who's ever had to keep a lid on your beliefs because of imagined retribution from a co-worker or boss with different beliefs. I'm sure all those Wal-Mart employees forced to watch Powerpoint presentations about how voting for Democrats will lead to unions, and unions will destroy Wal-Mart, pity you and your forced silence in Craft Services. What must it have been like, thinking constantly that defending our shit-ass president might cost you your next bit part in a shitty sitcom or direct-to-video movie? You must wake up every night in a cold sweat.

Of course, I'd wake up in a cold sweat too if I knew I was getting my feature film debut because people fondly remember my dead brother AND Larry The Cable Guy couldn't take the part due to scheduling conflicts. When will those particular stars line up again? I wouldn't hold my breath.

TOMORROW: THe saga of "An American Carol" continues, with more drama and more trauma as conservative Hollywood bands together to make conservative movies while complaining they can't make conservative movies.