American Idolt

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Memo to Tim Pawlenty: DON'T THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU, FUCKNUTS.

Minnesota's governor has been lying surprisingly low of late. But I thought I'd check in with him and see how his grand audition for John McCain's running mate is going. It doesn't need to be said that I would absolutely hate it with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns if I saw McCain-Pawlenty bumper stickers and road signs from now until, well, years after the 2008 election because people never take political bumper stickers off their fucking cars.

But I'm going to say it anyway. Because John McCain picking Tim Pawlenty as his running mate is an event that has absolutely no upside for me. Most importantly, Timmeh would still get to be governor of Minnesota. He wouldn't have to step down to campaign. If McCain loses, Pawlenty gets his old job back, and if McCain somehow wins, Pawlenty gets to sit in the chair still warmed by the infernal fires burning in Dick Cheney's asscheeks. None of these outcomes appeal to me in the slightest.

On top of that, Pawlenty would be talking a lot more, and I'd be hearing him a lot more. Can you imagine it? Pawlenty giving speeches, and going on the teevee, and everybody listening to him? That's just vile. It'd be like last year's bridge collapse, only it wouldn't stop after a week. Motherfucker will probably go on Leno, and I'm not sure even my hardy soul could handle THAT much hate.

But worst of all, it'd reward and justify Timmeh's entire fucking political career. We in Minnesota know all too well that Tim Pawlenty doesn't spend his days fluffing Grover "Die Taxes Die" Norquist because he likes the taste. He's spent his entire time in Minnesota implementing the policies that make the conservative kingmakers happy, and make the citizens of Minnesota miserable. And he's done it for the express purpose of getting that phone call from the McCain campaign. If he gets that call, it would be rewarding harm.

And oh, does he want that call. Case in point, last Wednesday, Pawlenty spoke to an organization of conservative lawmakers, at an event sponsored by Wal-Mart, and delivered this shining, polished turd of wisdom. "'I want to get the best value for my money,' he said of visiting a Sam's Club. 'That's missing in government in dramatic, dramatic measurement.'" - Pawlenty, via "The Swamp", because nobody has a decent fucking transcript of his speech.

That's precisely the kind of completely retarded rhetoric that John McCain needs to woo the key Republican demographic of marketing dudes in ugly ties. Let's govern like Sam's Club! Let's ignore the fact that government is not actually in the business of providing tubs of shortening at wholesale prices. Let's ignore the fact that nobody in a Sam's Club is ever, ever happy. I had a Sam's Club membership for a year, and the one thing I got in bulk there on a regular basis was CRUSHING DESPAIR. Also let's ignore the fact that Tim Pawlenty is apparently more than willing to model public policy on whoever's paying him to speak that day. Let's just govern like Sam's Club, because it's important that the second or third most powerful nation on earth pick its leaders by who can reduce the task of running it to the simplest, dumbest possible analogy.

But being a vice presidential nominee isn't just about pandering to corporate sponsors. It's also about attacking your boss's opponent. Pawlenty's got that one covered, too. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"He's put so many contingencies around it that I wonder, in fact I question, whether he would do it at all. It may be a way for him to gain favor during the election, and tube it later because all the contingencies weren't met." - Pawlenty, on Obama's stance on offshore oil drilling. Now, I happen to think that Obama tempering his offshore drilling stance was a stupid, stupid move that will not get him what he thought it would. But at the same time, I consider it further proof of the nonexistence of a just and vengeful God that Tim Pawlenty didn't burst into flames an instant after accusing another politician of taking a politically expedient position he didn't actually believe in.

But all of this would be meaningless without the coquettish dance of the potential veep. Can Pawlenty master the highly irritating footwork that is apparently required of anyone up for what was, until recently, the number two spot in the United States government/ I think he can. After all, along with BOTH of the stories I've mentioned above, the following things came out of Pawlenty's gaping pie-hole:

"The rest of the stuff about VP is speculation and I just don't engage in it. Lately, I've just stopped talking about it because I get asked about it frequently..." (July 30). "I don't talk about the V.P. stuff anymore," Pawlenty said. "I just stopped talking about it because it became a distraction." (Aug 2.). Yes, Timmeh. Make damn sure you mention at every single opportunity that you're not talking about or thinking about the possibility of being McCain's running mate. Show us through your unrelenting, non-stop barrage of denials that it's the farthest thing from your mind, and all you're really concerned about is governing the great state of Minnesota. And we'll all pretend to believe you, you whopping great douchebag.