In Touch With Her Caribou Side

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Memo to Michelle Bachmann: YOU ARE STILL DUMB.

I appreciate you keeping a largely low profile these days. Really I do. It's a stunning example of market forces at work. The supply of batshit crazy appears to have finally, at long last, have exceeded the demand. So there's really no need to go searching for new sources of it, and old, depleted sources of batshit crazy, like Michelle Bachmann, should ideally lie fallow and return to nature.

Not so with oil. $140 a barrel and climbing, four dollar a gallon for gas, and nobody has any answers. Well, except the Republicans. They've found the solution to the world's energy problems, and it's so simple I can't believe nobody thought of it before. Just drill for more oil!

There are all kinds of places we haven't drilled yet, for stupid, liberal reasons like there not being very much oil there, or doing so will help kill the oceans even faster than we are already. Fuck that shit, we need oil and we need it in five to ten years from NOW. And if Michelle Bachmann says so, who am I to argue? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It's a plan that has the broad support of the American people. Only the out-of-touch congressional leadership stands in the way." - Bachmann's plan? Drill in Alaska, drill offshore, drill anywhere else we think there might be some oil, and build more refineries to process the literally months worth of oil that await the hungry drills of Exxon-Mobil. And what's more, it'll actually be GOOD for the environment!

"Some suggestions are that perhaps we would see an enhancement of wildlife expansion because of the warmth of the pipeline." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we MUST drill for oil in Alaska. If we don't, the caribou will be slightly chilly. Oh, if only their intelligent designer had provided them with the physiology necessary to survive in Alaska!

Now, don't get me wrong. I hate filling up as much as the next guy. I've gotten used to a life subsidized by cheap petroleum. But the fact of the matter is this - dinosaur juice is a fucking dead end. We can bore hole after hole after hole into the planet if we want, but we're still withdrawing millions of years worth of banked energy with no way to bank more. Which is a bad fucking idea.

Oil itself might not be a dead end. Every six months or so you hear about pilot plants and new technologies to turn stuff we don't need, like turkey carcasses or vats full of algae, into hydrocarbon chains we can use for important things, like fueling NASCAR races and make blister packs for three dollar USB cables. We're a long way off from plug-in electric cars recharged using green power generated from the hopes and dreams of the Sierra Club. And you can't very well make an Iron Man action figure out of the wind.

But throwing time, money, and effort into sucking up the last dregs of decomposed ferns, at the expense of the seas, the animals, just to eke a few more years out of a system that's clearly doomed? That's about as textbook a definition of "reactionary" as you can get. And that's why you see Bachmann, and Bush, and McCain, and Cheney all yelling about how we have to dig up ANWR and drill offshore, and why they're trying to convince you to go along with it by lying about happy warm caribou, the lack of any oil spills during Katrina*, and the Chinese stealing our oil from off the coast of Cuba. Because they're reactionary dinosaurs, and until we find a way to turn them into light sweet crude, they're useless to us.

*Seriously. They're actually going around saying that offshore drill platforms endured Hurricane Katrina without spilling a drop of oil. Which is true, for values of "a drop" less than THREE QUARTER OF A MILLION GALLONS.