Can't Spell Goldfarb Without "Blarg"

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Memo to Michael Goldfarb: YOU'RE JUST A GIGOLO.

You see, a gigolo is a hired dick. And as the primary contributor to the McCain Report blog on John McCain's website, that's Goldfarb's job. He's being paid to be a dick several times a day. Nice work, if you can get it.

You see, for a guy who needs his wife to help him understand the new-fangled computers, John McCain's campaign website has two, count them, TWO blogs. One, the John McCain Blog, is about as interesting as the blog of any 71-year-old dude who isn't running for president. It's got the latest ads, nice things about the late Tim Russert, and is updated every two to three days.

But like every position McCain's taken in the past ten years, the McCain Blog has a polar opposite: The McCain Report is the red-meat attack stuff, the stuff that gets down into the mud, makes up bad stuff about Barack Obama, and then breathlessly tells us how bad it is. And that's mostly Michael Goldfarb's job.

The McCain Report is a treasure-trove of awesome, and I expect to be returning to it often between now and November. Here's just a small sampling of the things Goldfarb has written in the past week:

"Obama has more preconditions for a town hall with John McCain than for a meeting with Mahmoud Ahmadinjead, the head of a terrorist state."

This is in reference to the town hall meetings argument, which, if you don't know, went like this. McCain gave a crappy speech. Obama gave a not-crappy speech. Realizing the speech deficit, McCain offered some town hall debates. Obama said "maybe". McCain then set ten dates, promised a neutral audience, held the first one even though Obama didn't agree, stocked the audience with his supporters, and took softball questions while mocking Obama for not being stupid enough to walk blindly into a hostile environment.

You'd think McCain's people would understand that, given how many soldiers and helicopters he took with him into that peaceful Baghdad street market, but being understanding would undercut Goldfarb's vitally important role as the McCain campaign dick. In this case, a dick that manages to rattle a saber.

"Obama wants to take us back to the bad old days of going after terrorists with prosecutors rather than predators. And he even has the gall to blame the Bush administration's methods as having been a boon to terrorist recruitment. With all the international credibility the Clinton administration earned, and the international terrorists they incapacitated, one wonders how bin Laden even recruited 19 men to attack this country on September 11."

This paragraph is so awe-inspiringly stupid it's hard to imagine that even Goldfarb believes it. First of all, his failure to capitalize "predators" makes me think Goldfarb is advocating the use of wolves and/or pedophiles to fight terrorism, instead of robot drone planes. Second, it doesn't take gall to blame Bush for increased terrorist recruitment. All it takes is aqueous humour.

And you can lay the snark on as thick as you like, motherfucker, but if you're going to sit there and blame Clinton's foreign policy for not reducing the number of radical terrorists to below eighteen, then I'm going to sit over here and point out what a huge dick that makes you.

"But [Richard] Clarke is the consummate 9/10 Democrat--and thus an awkward choice to defend Obama from the same charge. In April of this year Clarke said of Bill Clinton, 'he doesn’t make mistakes.' We respectfully disagree.

"Respectfully?" I'm not sure that word means what you think it does. That quote seemed woefully out of context, so after a bit of research, I discovered three things. First of all, the only person ever to bring this quote up at any other time was some guy named Michael Goldfarb in a blog at the Weekly Standard. Second, The McCain report does its hyperlinks as bolded black text, which is a pain in the ass. And third, the quote in question is from an episode of Real Time With Bill Maher, and surprise, surprise, Goldfarb has pulled another dick move.

In context, Clarke was saying that when Bill was covering for Hillary over the whole sniper fire thing, the kinds of things Bill was getting wrong weren't the kinds of things he got wrong as President. The implication being that Bill Clinton was being a smidge disingenuous. I think it's telling that Michael Goldfarb, if Google is to be believed, is the ONLY right-wing nutjob willing to be that big of a dick about what Clarke said.

And don't even fucking get me started on "9/10 Democrats". I think we'd be a hell of a lot better off if we just admitted what we all know is true - we, as a country, over-reacted like fucking crazy to 9/11, and did so many stupid things in the years since that future historians will have a tough time recounting them with a straight face. If Barack Obama really does want to take us back to the relative sanity of 9/10, I'll buy a first-class ticket on that Wayback Machine, thank you very much.