Tiny Blue Dinosaurs

« June 2008 »

Memo to Hollywood: YOU ARE DUMB.

Stop trying to appeal to me. I beg you. I know I'm a child of the 80's. I know I play the videogames. I know I have the nostalgia for the beloved icons of my youth. But that doesn't mean I'm actually craving modern-day re-imaginings from the likes of Michael Bay, or worse, the legions of half-assed directors who learned everything they know about movie-making from Armageddon.

I didn't need a new Indiana Jones movie. Really. Even assuming I was nostalgic for that time in the 80s when Spielberg and Lucas were nostalgic for the 40s, it's not actually possible to satisfy that nostalgia. Especially not by hiring Shia LeBouf.

I don't need a Smurfs movie. I especially don't need a live action Smurfs movie full of CGI Smurfs written by the Shrek 3 guys. But I'm gonna get one. We're all gonna get one. Never mind that Smurfs have zero narrative potential. Never mind that even the ironic possibilities have been strip-mined.

Yes, we know they say "smurf" a lot. Yes, we know there's just that one chick for all those guys. And yes, we know there are lots of mildly inappropriate adjectives we can use to name Smurfs with. Odds of us getting references to all three anyway? 100%. Odds of us getting all three IN THE TRAILER? 94%.

I don't need a Turok movie. Turok: Dinosaur Hunter grew to something approaching fame as one of those shitty comic books everyone was putting out during the unfortunate and foil-embossed comic boom of the late Nineties that to this day keeps Todd Macfarlane from having to wear a Home Depot apron 32 hours a week.

But most of us know Turok from the video games. Turok is a rarity in the games industry - a long-running franchise that gets resurrected every few years despite the fact that the number of gamers with fond memories of Turok started at near zero, and manages to shrink with each new game. But they're making a movie of it anyway. Which means they'll probably make a movie-based game, which is a problem, because a movie-based Turok game could create a vortex of suck large enough to swallow the Earth.

Turok, by the way, shoots dinosaurs. That's the whole concept. Sometimes he's a Native American shooting dinosaur-man-aliens with a fancy bow and arrow in a mysterious valley, and sometimes he's a space marine shooting actual dinosaurs on a planet where, for no good reason, there are dinosaurs. I'm actually amazed it took Hollywood this long to get around to a Dude Shoots Dinosaurs movie. It plays to three of Hollywood's big strengths - dudes, shooting, and dinosaurs.

The problem is, the Turok games have provided exactly one moment of entertainment in total, and I simply don't think the American public is ready for a movie where, for 100 minutes straight, people randomly turn into monkeys while other people try to shoot and kill those monkeys.* Not even if they brought in the entire cast of "Sex and the City" to star in it.

So cut it out. I actually like it better when you make horrible movies for stupid, clearly-not-me type people. So maybe you should, as much as it hurts me to say this, get Larry The Cable Guy's agent back on the phone. I think there are some unanswered questions left after Delta Farce.

* Wikipedia search: "Turok frag tag"