Demonstrably False

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Memo to Amy Winehouse, K-Mart, and John McCain: YOU ARE DUMB.

Of the stupid things that come all too frequently out of the mouths of stupid people, few stupid things are more stupid than the Demonstrably False Statement. This is a statement that is so clearly and obviously contradicted by widely known facts AT THE TIME that the person saying it must be either lying out their ass, mind-bogglingly stupid, or both. We've had a slew of these in the past week, which means it's time for a theme edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I don't want to play anything down, but I'm the least racist person going." - Amy Winehouse

This is, context-free, already a highly suspect statement. Under no circumstances would I, or honestly, anyone who isn't Amy Winehouse, put Amy Winehouse on a list of the ten, hundred, thousand, or ten thousand least racist people on the planet. It just wouldn't occur to us. And that's based solely on knowing that Amy Winehouse exists.

Where the statement becomes Demonstrably False, however, is when you're saying it in response to the release of a video in which, drunk, high, or both, you and your friends change the lyrics to the kids' ditty "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" to the very, very, very not least racist at all "Blacks, Pakis, Gooks and Nips". I guarantee you, if there were ever a contest for least racist person going, that would be explicitly in the bylaws as an automatic disqualification. And if it wasn't, and you somehow managed to make it to the second round, the bit where you pulled at the corners of your eyes to make them all slanty would definitely seal the deal.

"It is not our intent to associate with any one particular group or cause." - K-Mart.

Once again, hearing this by itself, I would automatically be suspicious. Corporations associate with particular groups and causes all the time. Target donates money to schools. Wal-Mart hopes to hasten the Rapture. And I don't know exactly what they're up to, but I guarantee TCBY is up to something.

So when K-Mart rolls out a line of pants with "True Love Waits" plastered across the ad, and promotes the pants by saying they show "just where she stands" and has a "bold abstinence screen print" that happens to be the name of a national Christian abstinence-promotion group, I can't help but think that yes, in fact, it IS K-Mart's intent to associate with a particular cause - abstinence - and possibly with the group as well.

And on top of the lie, the abstinence pants themselves clearly violate Lambert's First Rule of Abstinence Promotion, and do so to an alarming degree. This rule states that any abstinence program must remember that it is competing in the marketplace against the orgasm, and must make its pitch suitably appealing to account for that fact. A pair of gray sweats with puffy, 1972-era multicolored lettering across the back competes with an orgasm in much the same way matter competes with anti-matter. Except the explosion happens nine months later in this case.

"I did not—that was in prepared remarks, and I did not—I'm not in the business of commenting on the press and their coverage or not coverage... My supporters and friends can comment all they want about the press coverage, and that's their right. They're American citizens. I will not because I believe it's not a profitable enterprise for me to do so. - John McCain, to Newsweek.

The question from Newsweek, by the way, referred to his comments about the press coverage of Hillary Clinton. Now, since John McCain clearly stated he's not in the business of commenting on the press, and clearly stated that any remarks that might be seen that way were in his prepared remarks, but not in his now-infamous Green-Screen Skeletor speech, I think we can deduce from this that despite what his speech writers tried to provide him on what was obviously three different Teleprompters, McCain exercised his own judgement and refused to cross a line he felt was important.

Ergo, when the prepared remarks said:

"The media often overlooked how compassionately she spoke to the concerns and dreams of millions of Americans and she deserves a lot more appreciation than she sometimes receives."

What actually came out of the mouth of either John McCain, or what, if they're smart, the campaign will claim was an animatronic McCain simulacrum created for the express purpose of covering up another secret trip to an Iraqi market, was this:

"The media often overlooked how compassionately she spoke to the concerns and dreams of millions of Americans and she deserves a lot more appreciation than she sometimes receives."

I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from John McCain's example here, and that lesson is, don't fucking vote for John McCain.