Four For The Road

« June 2008 »

Memo to Libertas, Gregory Rodriguez, Condi Rice, and Italian atheists: YOU ARE EACH DUMB IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WAYS.

It's a unique time in political history - that brief pause between being irritated by the primary season and being irritated by the general election. The world seems to pause, and there's a hush in the air. An all-too-brief void that I will fill with a data dump of stuff that's been clogging my research files for far too long. Prepare for the mental high colonic that is SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Looks like MGM has decided to remake the Reagan-era cinematic wet dream "Red Dawn", because... actually, I have no fucking clue why. I find the greenlighting process completely incomprehensible, and the thought processes of the people who go through the back catalog of shit they own and wonder if they need to make us a new one even MORE than completely incomprehensible. But what the hell. They're making a new one.

This, of course, gave a huge (in relative terms, of course) stiffy (in relative terms, of course) to the crazy nutjob right-wing film-reviewer over at Libertas, who concocted the following post-9/11 world fantasy all on his own. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"...having an army of Iranian backed Islamo-Nazis occupy a part of the United States would not only be a rip-roaring action yarn but also an important reminder of the evil ideology we’re fighting. The whole movie should be an allegory about the hell Obama has promised to unleash on the Iraqi people should he win the election... In my hands it would be set in Manhattan because an island’s easier for the terrorists to defend and chock-full of appeasers in desperate need of a wake-up call. The scene with a herd of Greenwich Village liberals being shoved into burqas writes itself.

I've always loved the viewpoint that if New Yorkers, who actually experienced the 9/11 attacks, aren't shitting themselves in constant Islamophobic terror, it's because the people who actually suffered the terror attack didn't learn the right lessons from the terror attack, and some Internet douchebag who's closest experience with suicide bombing is an M-80 in the high school toilet knows better.

And when nobody listens to him, the Internet douchebag will wreak his revenge by using a Red Dawn remake to school those Greenwich Village liberals on the truth of his prophetic vision. And really, Greenwich Village? I suppose an 80's-retread movie deserves a 70's-retread liberal-bash touchstone, but you'd have saved yourself a lot of embarrassment if you'd just set it in San Francisco and had a black guy in a cowboy hat dancing during the whole takeover.*

Because it's an election season, you will probably be hearing a great deal of bullshit about the "middle". Also known as "centrism" or "uncommitted" or "The Great American Reacharound". You will be told, by people like Gregory Rodriguez in the LA Times, that being centrist, in the middle, or uncommitted is a good thing. Rodriguez goes one step further and calls partisanship, I shit you not, "The New American Segregation".

Graves would have you believe that "a healthy democracy needs the uncommitted middle, the fence straddlers and the apathetic as much as it the firebrand activists. Indeed, in a nation so torn by the passions of partisans, it is those of us who aren't all that enamored of either side who give politicians the room to compromise, which, of course, is the art that politics is supposed to be all about."

Anyone who talks like this is not to be trusted, because they either believe, or want YOU to believe, that there's not only an unchanging center-point in American political thought, but that both sides are pulling equally on this center point in an eternal game of tug-of-war. And since both these things are obviously lies, believing them would be a MISTAKE. Blindly hating everyone equally, regardless of their actions and policies, is actually MORE stupid than blindly hating one side and loving the other, because at least in the latter case, you have a 50% chance of being right just by luck.

Condoleeza Rice, while visiting Stockholm, was inducted into the KISS Army, and got to meet the band, which the FDA has ruled is still technically KISS on the grounds that it is made up by 54% original KISS members by weight. Her and her staff got autographs, T-Shirts, and backstage passes.

I suppose that's OK. I mean, sure, the band's long past its heyday. They're certainly not the demons of corruption our parents and the bluenoses were terrified of during my childhood. But you know what they say. You get inducted into the KISS Army you've got, not the KISS army you wish you had.

As an atheist, I would like to denounce, renounce, and reject the views of a pair of Italian atheists who were arrested for having sex in a church confessional, possibly during morning mass. While I do think it's silly that the bishop planned a special ceremony to purify the confessional (when really, a simple bleach solution in a spray bottle should suffice, especially since it was just oral), I do not condone sex in confessional booths regardless of your lack of belief in the church's divine authority.

Those things are, if TV and movies are to be believed, cramped and uncomfortable. If you must desecrate while you fornicate, I'm sure you can find something more comfortable than a tiny wooden box. Especially in Italy, where the churches have some serious cubic footage to them.

*Your YouTube search terms for this joke: "sam graves values".