Warped Factoring

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Memo to Carol Platt Liebau: YOU ARE DUMB.

Not that I want to single you out. Every single bigoted asshole who's been panicking and opining since the California Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage last week is dumb. And you know why they're dumb? Sulu, that's fucking why.

Shortly after the decision came down, news reports surfaced that George Takei, at age 71, is finally going to get to legally marry Brad Altman, who he's been with for twenty one years. That's longer, by the way, than John McCain's first marriage. If your ideology makes you fight tooth and nail against George Takei's wedding, you are an awful human being. You're a dog turd smeared across the heel of history, and every year we manage to scrape some of you off on the front step.

The decision has brought out precisely the kind of authoritarian right-wing assholery you'd expect. I single out Carol Platt Liebau's article at Townhall.com largely because she makes some of the most cogent, clear arguments in favor of gay marriage, and she doesn't even know it. She lays out in clear, concise terms what the issues are, what's at stake, and then proceeds to draw the completely wrong conclusion from it because, well, she's a crazy bitch who hates gay people. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The response to the court’s decision – positive in many quarters – drove home the hard fact that traditionalists are losing the battle of both language and ideas in the public square."

See? Can't argue with that at all. Makes perfect sense. The sense continues: "It’s becoming increasingly difficult for gay marriage’s opponents to convince their fellow citizens that the institution of marriage is best reserved for those with the putative ability to conceive, bear and raise children together." Also one hundred percent correct! In fact, this marks the first time in Internet history that any article posted at Townhall.com has contained two distinct and correct sentences. That they were consecutive sentences defies the odds to such an extent that I'm tempted to play the lottery in case the very laws of probability have changed.

Even more astonishingly, it doesn't stop there! Liebau points out the existence of a widespread belief that "'private' sexual behavior is always just an individual matter about which society properly has no opinion". At this point, I'm starting to wonder if I'm reading Townhall.com or Feministing. Where's the crazy? Where's the frothing? At what point can we lay blame where it belongs, on the hippies of the 60s?

"As strange as it seems, it all began with the pill. Decades ago, the invention and ready availability of reliable birth control successfully decoupled childbearing from sex. Certainly, in many ways, this development represented a welcome liberation for women, enabling them to exercise control over their own reproductive capacities and plan their own futures. But unforeseen consequences accompanied that benefit. Most notably, completely divorcing the sex act from the potential for procreation converted sex into just another recreational activity."

Ah, there we go. If it weren't for the birth control pill, hetero sex would remain shameful and dangerous. And if hetero sex was shameful and dangerous, imagine how awful homo sex would still be? Oh, sure, homosexuals would still be lining up in front of courthouses, but for completely different reasons. While Liebau doesn't explicitly call for the mass arrest and incarceration of gay Americans, you know she's thinking it when she says things like:

"To complicate things further, activist judges have arrogated to themselves the power to resolve the foundational issue underlying the entire debate: Whether a society still has the right to codify its collective beliefs about sexual morality in its laws. By finding a constitutional right to consensual homosexual conduct in Lawrence v. Texas, the Supreme Court has, in effect, suggested that it does not – that such decisions are properly made only at the individual level. Apparently, the California Supreme Court agrees. In fact, the reasoning enshrined in the California Supreme Court’s ruling last week could be applied just as validly to a whole host of hitherto-unimagined (and unimaginable) intimate relationships."

I'll say this for her. She's found the most eloquent way of paraphrasing "Once you make the buttsex legal, pedophiles will be marrying ponies" I've ever read. But that's still what she's saying. And she has to say it, because after four years of legal gay marriage in Massachusetts has completely failed to collapse civilization or promote acceptance of dogfucking, the prospect of the Massachusetts results playing out on the much larger scale of California is the worst thing that's happened to fundies since that Ben Stein movie tanked.

Over the next few years, Americans will see like never before that married gay people won't do anything to society except make gay people happier. At which point the right's true motivation - to make gay people unhappy out of bigotry and spite, will be nearly impossible to hide behind coded language and pretty rhetoric. Enjoy your long downhill slide into irrelevance, fuckers. I know I will. And I bet George Takei will, too.