Amerigo Vespussi

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Amerigo Vespussies

Memo to Paranoid Mapmakers: YOU ARE DUMB.

What is it with right-wing whitey and fake maps? I swear to fuck, these people are so worried about the size of their... borders, shall we say that they're constantly turning to cartography as either a trigger or a crutch.

Like how Absolut had to apologize for that ad it ran, in Mexico, showing the old map with Mexico owning all its old territory that's now part of the US. That sent the wingers apeshit, because on the big list of things that make conservatives piss themselves at night, the idea that one day, the brown, chili-loving people will come and take their stuff comes second only to the idea that one day, the brown, hummus-loving people will come and blow up all their stuff.

Never mind that the idea of Sweden (where Absolut comes from) teaming up with Mexico in a plot to take back California from The Austrian sounds like a rejected plot idea from one of those thrillers Newt Gingrich pretends he writes*. How dare an advertisement suggest to its target audience that things would have been better for them if history had played out differently! It's like Absolut is pissing clear, intoxicating urine on the very idea of manifest destiny!

The point to all this stuff I could have written months ago when the Absolut thing was topical is that conservatives are like dogs. Nothing is more important to them than perceived territory. Which is apparently why they like to scare each other with fake maps showing the takeover of the undeserving masses. Like at "Gates of Vienna", another in an endless series of blogs determined to warn us about the onrushing Islamic hordes. In this case, their ongoing invasion of Europe.

A recent post on the blog, referencing someone else's post on someone else's blog, talks about how the European Union is a bad thing and will facilitate the fall of the West by weakening the centuries-old individual European cultures that have kept the Muslims at bay for so long. Which is, for any number of reasons, fucking stupid. But the author of the post, who goes by the very i-shit-you-notty moniker of "Dymphna", illustrated her point with a map purportedly showing Europe circa 2067.

According to this map, France is the "Sultanate of France", Spain is "Al-Andalus", Italy is "Al-Italia", Britain is "Al-Bion", Germany is "Al-Lemania", and Norway and Sweden have merged into "Al-Skandia", only the map doesn't bother to erase the line between them because who gives a shit about the details when all the European countries have fake-Muslim names that in many cases are also vague puns? These countries are collectively colored green as "The Umma", which, like the "Demilitarized Dhimmi Zone" next to it, is one of those Arabic terms that douchebags throw about to show that they really want to rule them all.

It gets better, though. Dymphna got the map from her cohort blogger, who, and I swear I am not making this up, also has a pseudonym - "Baron Bodissey". Which, Wikipedia informs me, he stole from Jack Vance, which is especially funny, because the menacing map of Muslim mayhem was illustrating a bit of speculative fiction, emphasis on the "speculative" and even more emphasis on the "fiction", about a treaty between a descendant of Osama bin Laden and the Russian president that carves up the rest of Europe.

And because that's not heavy-handed enough, the treaty was signed on September 11, 2067. DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMB! It's like one of those paranoid Red-baiting SF movies from the 60's, only stupider. It's so pathetic you'd wonder how anyone can fall for it, and then you see thousands of people falling for it and a few of them get TV shows handed to them, and you realize it's not just pathetic, it's toxic. Like a rattlesnake with a kazoo in its tail. Laugh at it, but from a nice safe distance. And maybe see if you can stop Glenn Beck from putting it on the air.

*Yeah, Newtie, and Shatner wrote TekWar, too. No, really. We believe you.