Zirkle In The Zand

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Memo to Tony Zirkle: YOU ARE DUMB.

But incredibly useful. Yes, I know Zirkle is old news. The story of the fringe Republican candidate for Congress in Indiana who famously appeared at a celebration of Adolf Hitler's birthday, and claimed afterward that he didn't know they were Nazis, and anyway, he'd speak to anyone.

But really, the Nazi thing is just the icing on the crazy cake that is Frederick Anthony "Tony" Zirkel. A man whose campaign website is so awesome the "Home" link is FOURTH on the menu. That's how many vitally important things Tony Zirkel has to tell you about, folks. And honestly, once you dive into the rabbit hole that is Zirkle's campaign website, which is just one small part of tonyzirkle.com, you'll never want to leave.

Right off the bat, for example, you learn that Tony Zirkle has a plan for energy independence. But it's not just any plan for energy independence. It's a plan for energy independence in ten years, combined with a plan to eliminate the national debt (not deficit) in 25. And the name of this plan? "Operation Yoda".

Why does he call it "Operation Yoda"? I was afraid to find out. And then I was thrilled by the possibility of finding out. And then I was afraid to find out again. But I had to know. For me, and for you. And so I looked. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"America faces a national security risk. Energy independence. We are now facing almost $4 a gallon in gas and we risk sinking our economy if we fail to act. In the Star Wars movies, Yoda told Luke Skywalker, 'Do or do not do. There is no try.' I’m proposing an Operation Yoda to do energy independence in the nation without any ifs, ands or butts." - Tony Zirkle's press release on "Operation Yoda".

That paragraph is the gift that keeps on giving. It's got more mistakes in it than the first half of a John McCain press conference. Yoda only says that in one of the Star Wars movies. Technically, he doesn't say it in ANY o fthe Star Wars movies, because Tony Zirkle, setting a new standard for due diligence, got the money quote wrong. There's extra "do" in it. I can only assume the extra "do" came from the "butts" that shouldn't be there either. And not to question the word choice of the nation's premier inadvertent Nazi sympathizer, but is energy independence really something that you "do"?

That's perhaps the biggest crime of the Bush presidency. It's put the idea into the heads of the Tony Zirkles of the world that a basic command of both the English language* is not a prerequisite for public office. Basic pop culture and grammar errors aside, though, what does Operation Yoda have to offer?

Apparently, we will achieve these goals by building really big highways through porn shops. I shit you not. He calls them SABEs, for "Super Auto-Bon Expressways", an Anglicization which I think spits in the face of the memory of Hitler, who Tony Zirkle accidentally loves. We will then announce to the world that we will begin exporting energy, which we'll be storing on "flash drives" that we can use to power everything, because they're reusable and rechargeable.

Lest you think his plan is entirely magic-based, he also proposes building ten nuclear plants a year, the output of which I presume would be used to fill those flash drives that we can plug into our electric cars and go tooling down the Auto-Bon over the remains of every porn shop Tony Zirkle can identify and direct the highway to crush. Did I mention that Tony Zirkle has a thing against porn? Because he has a thing against porn.

"I’ve been getting a flood of e-mails and phone calls, some of which include death threats, about my attempt to raise awareness of how the great porn dragon inspires Jews into pornography and prostitution and then, like the snake he is, turns the public against the Jews. Some have questioned whether there is any link to Jews and porn-prostitution... Let’s save our Jewish brothers and sisters from this tyrant king porn dragon before we get to another world-wide pogrom."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, when I think of one group whose representation in the fields of pornography and prostitution is wildly disproportionate and excessive, I think of the Jews. But at least with this Jimmy James double-translated biography of a political philosophy you can make some sense of it. Well, with the help of other Zirkle writings, at least. You see, apparently, Hitler would have been denied one of his biggest propaganda victories against the Jews if the Jews hadn't been such porny whores. In other words, Zirkle defends himself from charges of anti-Semitism by pointing at how they were dressed and telling the Jews they were asking for it.

Awful? Yes. Batshit crazy? Yes. Hilarious? Yes. But that's nothing. Here, in what I guarantee is the single greatest ACTUAL QUOTE TIME of 2008, is what Tony Zirkle sounds like when he gets on a roll:

"What goes around, sometimes comes around, and sometimes a Zulu massacre comes right back in a dot com a few generations later to taunt a people in a new, more efficient destroying form of the same song, different dance hate speech. If addiction prone blanches can't get their act together, then all of us who have a shred of justice in our spine may one day have to debate the idea of giving them what their ancestors gave to the natives, the author or whom is still honored with placement on the $20 bill, and consider for a second, before being publicly scorn-burned to a 33rd degree crisp, the merits of exiling them to a 44 state reservation and consider slavery reparations where the 12%, 6 state FL, GA, SC, MS, AL, & LA South shall rise again under the transformed Bible-to-Gospel belt." - A section from Tony Zirkle's "Internet Porn" policy. Really.

Mocking Tony Zirkle for speaking to Nazis is all well and good, but I think it does Zirkle a disservice. It focuses on one unfortunate campaign event, when his entire campaign is so completely fucking insane, Ron Paul and Alan Keyes would refuse to appear with him on the 700 Club. Although, come to think of it, Tony Zirkle is just the guy to shore up John McCain's support amongst hard-core conservatives. He'd make an excellent running mate. Just tell McCain he's a governor from a battleground state, and the Maverick won't notice until at least late October.

*See also: sanity.