Three More

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Memo to self-proclaimed centrist moderates: HERE'S THREE MORE.

Since people seem to have no shortage of reasons not to vote for Barack Obama (he's black, he's a Marxist, he can't bowl, he ordered orange juice instead of coffee) or Hillary Clinton (she's a woman, her husband had an affair, she seems to like McCain more than Obama), it's time again for me to step up, forcibly remove the eyes of the wavering, the undecided, and the "moderates", and superglue those eyes to the fucking prize, which is ANYBODY BUT MCCAIN.

To that purpose, here are three exciting new reasons not to vote for the Forked Tongue Express.

First, he wants to give a "holiday" from the federal gas tax over the summer, removing eighteen cents from the price of one four-dollar gallon of gas. This is the most phenomenally stupid policy idea since "Hey, that Iraq should be a pushover." Who does this? Who the fuck looks at the entire chain of petrochemical fuels, from well to pump, and decide that, of all the people making money off a gallon of gas, from the government of Iran, to Exxon-Mobil, to the lobbyists, the one group that really doesn't need the money is the federal government? John "What Are My Qualifications Again?" McCain, that's who.

It's completely insane. Exxon-Mobil isn't running a half-trillion-dollar deficit. And if they were, the federal government would probably go INTO another trillion dollars in debt to bail them out. All for, what, three bucks off a fill-up for a few months? Short of "let's set fire to all the refineries and funnel the smoke into orphanages", I can't think of a policy proposal that better encapsulates the short-sighted, pandering, corporate-humping, morally decrepit policy follies of modern Republicanism. Which means McCain will probably get his next Chris Matthews blowjob on camera.

Second, here's his new stance on torture. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I’ve made it very clear, I’ve made it very clear in my statements and in my support of the Detainee Treatment Act, the Geneva Conventions, etc., that there may be some additional techniques to be used, but none of those would violate the Geneva Conventions, the Detainee Treatment Act…And we cannot ever, in my view, torture any American, that includes waterboarding."

You know, it wouldn't surprise me if, at least unofficially, the Vietnamese had a very similar policy 40-or-so years ago. That they would not ever, in their view, torture any Vietnamese. That includes waterboarding. And I'm sure such a policy would have been very reassuring to John McCain as he hunched in his tiny box.

McCain's torture views ought to send even the most insulated, cable-news-watching "independent" voter screaming for the Democratic lever come November. John Kerry had plastic fucking sandals thrown at him for going back on his ass-covering Iraq war vote. John McCain gets tortured, votes to let the CIA waterboard whoever the fuck they want, and still gets to ride on the "Straight Talk Express" with nary a flip-flop in sight. What was in those ribs, people? GHB?

And third, while I will admit that compared to the torture thing, this is small potatoes, apparently at least three recipes from the "McCain Family Recipes" section of the campaign website were lifted wholesale off the Food Network.

This raises a number of questions. First, why the fuck are there "McCain Family Recipes" on the campaign website?* Second, by applying the standards used for Barack Obama, aren't "Passion Fruit Mousse" and "Ahi Tuna With Napa Cabbage Slaw" awfully elitist-sounding dishes? Mousse is FRENCH, for fuck's sake. And third, if you're going to steal recipes from the Food Network, why are you ripping off "Cooking Thin" and "Everyday Italian"**. Maybe if Cindy McCain, I mean, er, the unpaid lower-level web intern who made this horrible mistake and has since been punished severely, had boosted the recipes from some good shows, I might have granted them a modicum of respect. Oh, who am I kidding. I still wouldn't have.

At least now we know why McCain's rib recipe looks so awful... well, once you omit any mention of the mind-controlling drugs, at least.

*Because politics is dumber than it's ever been before.

**Known colloquially as "Boobs, Boobs, Boobs, Boobs, Tits, Boobs, Cleavage, A Bit Of Pasta, And Boobs".