And Then There Were Five

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Memo to America: THANK YOU.

I know you didn't mean to. I know you did it for most of the wrong reasons. But dear sweet merciful fuck, this country's wholesale rejection of Rudy Giuliani almost brings a patriotic tear to my cold, cynical eye. America's Fucking Mayor my ass. He had to spend all his time and money in one state just to garner fifteen percent. Those are numbers Alan Keyes looks at with disdain.

Everyone's looking for the one reason Giuliani was rejected, but in these times, one reason gets you down to about 25%, tops. No, it was lots of reasons. And let's not fool ourselves. A lot of those reasons were bad ones that just happened to have a good result. Redneck distrust of New Yorkers, fundie distrust of a thrice-married crossdresser, general right-wing distrust on his social conservative bonafides. But I don't care, because it means we can bury the Giuliani candidacy in a shallow, barren grave. Maybe with a few long strands of grass off to one side that can lay over it limply.

Maybe, just maybe, this means that certain people burned through the rhetorical wellspring of 9/11 like it was unleaded in a Hummer's tank, and that we won't have that bullshit hanging over our collective head anymore. Probably not, but when Giuliani's political carcass is smoldering in the background, so many things seem possible.

Of course, no good deed goes unpunished, and we're all collectively being punished by the resurgence of Mister Straight Talk Maverick Don't Mention The Keating Five himself. McCain is edging out Romney all over the place, which disappoints me a great deal, because watching Romney lose in the general election would be fucking hilarious. There's not enough popcorn in the world to enjoy during that clusterfuck.

But McCain's trickier. I don't know how the fuck he does it, but people are STILL convinced, despite all the evidence against it, that McCain is an honest moderate who bucks the party line at great political cost. And there's one piece of evidence that proves how simultaneously ludicrous and dangerous that idea is. Michelle Malkin believes it. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The declaration that he is the 'conservative leader who can unite the party' is yet another smack in the face to those who have watched him reach out and slap conservatives time and again–and then run to the warm, gooey embrace of the liberal media. Is it too much to ask to nominate a Republican candidate who is not as openly and historically hostile to the Republican base as CNN and (McCain’s endorsers at) the New York Times are?"

Now, based on the well-established principle that everything Michelle Malkin believes is wrong, John McCain is clearly a conservative. He loves war, he hugs Bush, he loves tax cuts. And any of you self-described "moderates", "centrists", or "independents" out there who think that a McCain presidency would be a breath of sane air after eight years of Bush are as delusional as Malkin. Well, OK. Nobody's as delusional as Malkin. But you're still wrong.

But he's got you all fooled, doesn't he? He's got you fooled, he's got CNN fooled. Hell, I think there's a part of Jon Stewart he still has fooled. He's got Malkin so fooled she's been taking almost hourly potshots at him from her blog. And if the last eight years have told us anything, Americans are all too willing to get suckered in by a lie that makes them feel good. George W. Bush is regular folk! The surge is working! And John McCain is a straight-talking maverick!

So kudos to Republican voters for doing the right thing and rejecting Giuliani. But now, it's time for you to step up and do what you do best - the WRONG THING. Vote Romney. Only he can save us all, by finally fulfilling his destiny as the Republican Dukakis.