You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
November 12th, 2014
Memo to Democrats: THANKS FOR DOOMING US ALL.
By which, I mean dooming us at least a bit more than we already were. I mean, yes, technically we got a sort of historic deal with China on climate change, but that won't pay off for decades. That's long-term thinking. Long-term thinking doesn't do shit in a world full of short-sighted assholes. And when it comes to short-sighted assholes, it's hard to argue with the Democrat's new plan for success.
They're going to approve Keystone XL, the largely disastrous tar-sands pipeline, to save Mary Landrieu's irrelevant fucking job.
You see, Landrieu is facing a run-off election in December that will decide her fate as Louisiana's senator. This being Louisiana, congressman and Republican Bill Cassidy stands a damn fine chance of defeating Landrieu and keeping control of the Senate in Republican hands. If Landrieu wins, however, control of the Senate will... remain in Republican hands.
Cassidy wants Keystone XL. The oil industry wants Keystone XL. Mary Landrieu wants the oil industry's money, so she wants Keystone XL. Senate Democrats have, until now, not really wanted Keystone XL. But apparently they want Landrieu, and are willing to vote on Keystone XL and pass it in order to get it.
Why? It won't change the balance of power. And you think it'll keep you closer to retaking the Senate in two years, but I can't imagine that abandoning one of the last remaining strands of your shredded principles for a purpose so incredibly base as to save one single Senator's jobs is gonna really help their image much.
And it's not like Democrats will get to take credit for the three dozen sustainable jobs the pipeline will create, or all the Canadian oil that will get produced and shipped to Mexico using it. They'll probably take the blame when it leaks sticky Canadian oil all over whatever fucking state loses the Uninspected Rusty Valve Lottery, because politics is fucking stupid.
And the best part? You know who's sponsoring the bill in the House that will form the other half of the Inevitable Ecological Disaster Voltron that is this Keystone approval bill? That'd be Louisiana congressman Bill Cassidy.
So the pipeline gets approved, Landrieu, who had been saying "I want the pipeline", gets to say "I got the pipeline", and Cassidy, who had been saying "I want the pipeline", gets to say "I got the pipeline", and the whole thing is a wash. Which I suppose is good for Midwestern wildlife, who are probably gonna need some washing at some point in the next decade.
And all this so that the people I'm supposed to vote for so that they'll represent me can save their colleague who people are supposed to vote for so that she'll represent them. And all it'll take to achieve it is the people I'm supposed to vote for to stop representing me on yet another key issue.
I wonder if I can delete the twice-daily fundraising e-mails I get from Democrats any faster? I'm sure as fuck motivated to try.