You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
June 14th, 2016
Memo to Donald Trump: YEP, YOU'RE A FUCKING MONSTER.
For most of this year, I used IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS to successfully demonstrate that all the Republican candidates were their own unique brand of awful. But we're down to Trump, and it just so happens that the wake of Orlando is a context in which Trump's specific brand of awful can shine in all of its horrifying glory. His very first response to the attacks was to go on Twitter and bask in people telling him he was right all along. And it just got worse from there.
“The bottom line is that the only reason the killer was in America in the first place was because we allowed his family to come here. That is a fact and a fact we need to talk about." - Donald Trump, Fucking Monster.
Why yes, let's talk about that. Because there's another insane extremist from Queens who's only in America in the first place because we allowed his family to come here. But he wasn't brown, so it's OK for him to run for office on a largely Sins Of The (Brown) Fathers platform. So, you know. Go fuck yourself sideways with your own hundred thousand-dollar weave.
Of course, there only two types of people in America. People who are here because we allowed their families to come here, and people who are here because we somehow overlooked murdering their families. That's it. Families of immigrants and some descendants of the indigenous people we accidentally managed not to completely exterminate. Being from a family of immigrants doesn't automatically make you an asshole. Everything else about you does.
"Look, we're led by a man that either is not tough, not smart, or he's got something else in mind. And the something else in mind -- you know, people can't believe it. People cannot, they cannot believe that President Obama is acting the way he acts and can't even mention the words 'radical Islamic terrorism.' There's something going on. It's inconceivable. There's something going on." - Donald Trump, Fucking Monster
Here, Donald Trump is saying that Barack Obama is a Muslim who sympathizes with terrorists. You know it. I know it. Donald Trump knows it. The Washington Post knows it. But when the Washington Post said so, Donald Trump got mad that they said so and kicked them out of his press pool, not realizing that he probably saved the mental health and/or marriages of the reporters who would have otherwise been tasked with following him around and listening to him talk every goddamned day.
And now's an excellent time to mention that we need to stop pretending Trump's incredibly clumsy form of plausible deniability needs to be murdered in a fire, not just to prevent a Trump presidency, but to protect the basic integrity of interpersonal communication. He repeatedly says "I would never say this, but..." and then says it, and that construction in and of itself should be disqualifying for the presidency. As should his apparent belief that it works.
“Well, you know, I’ll let people figure that out for themselves Howie. Because to be honest with you there certainly doesn’t seem to be a lot anger or passion when he—when we want to demand retribution for what happened over the weekend.” - Donald Trump, Fucking Monster, asked what he meant by the preceding quote.
No, you won't let people figure out for themselves what you meant by that. The Washington Post figured it out for themselves, and you got all mad and thought you were punishing them. Also, on the list of qualities an American president should possess, "having no problems with whatever completely batshit conclusions the public may or may not draw from my incredibly vague insinuations" is not on the fucking list.
And while I'm here, you know what else all three of these quotes have in common? Nigh-incoherence. It's impossible to point out too often that Trump's grasp of sentence structure and narrative consistency makes George W. Bush look like the love child of Ernest Hemingway and a thesaurus. He slaughters logic and language and ethics and empathy so efficiently it's like he's an AR-15.