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April 16th, 2015

Dumdums Speak And Ridiculous Things Come Out!

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Memo to Tennessee, Lindsey Graham, and Brian Clawiter: YOU ARE DUMB.

Astute readers may wonder what the difference between today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, in which each section is based around an individual ACTUAL QUOTE TIME, and the Wednesday version of the column, which is based around three different stupid quotes by three different people? Well, first of all, in ISTDT, the quotes are at the top, not in the middle or at the bottom. And second of all, um, shut up.

News out of the Dumbest State in the Union, a.k.a. Tennessee! Despite passing the House, the Tennessee Senate voted to permanently table a bill that would have made the Bible an official state book, largely out of concerns that it would trivialize the Bible, and also I think some hippie said it would be the most illegal thing ever but what would they know?

But what's really important, according to Mark Norris, the Tennessee Senate Majority Leader Holy Shit, is that we don't embolden Satan. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"All I know is that I hear Satan snickering. He loves this kind of mischief. You just dumb the good book down far enough to make it whatever it takes to make it a state symbol, and you're on your way to where he wants you."

Tennessee! Even when we do the right thing, we do it for the dumbest possible reason!


In other news, a trial balloon for a sequel to Kevin Costner's "The Postman" went viral this week, as a crazy old coot delivered a few hundred letters supporting campaign finance reform by flying them to Capitol Hill himself in a gyrocopter. And Lindsay Graham responded in his usual, even-tempered way. AQT 2!

“He should have been subject to being shot out of the sky. I don't know why he wasn't, but our nation is under siege. Radical Islam is a threat to our home land. There are probably radical Islamic cells in our backyard already." Well, OK, but you'd think Lindsey Graham would be a bit less sanguine about the casual murder of crazy old men on the off chance they might be terrorists.


And finally, a tip of the hat to Michigan mechanic Brian Klawiter, who recently announced that his car repair company would not serve any gay customers. Now, clearly, what he's doing is wrong, and should be, but is not, illegal in Michigan. But in defending his stance, he has somehow managed to craft an anti-gay "human plumbing" argument that surpasses all others in pure stupidity. AQT 3!

"If you want to argue this fact with me then I will put your vehicle together with all bolts and no nuts and you can see how that works.”

Now, in this analogy, the bolts are penises, the nuts are vaginas, the nuts aren't testicles despite centuries of linguistic association, and also, the penises go into the vaginas once and stay in there forever lest the whole thing fall apart. Also, when you go to a mechanic, he takes your vehicle completely apart and puts it back together again based on a strict Biblical interpretation of human genital anatomy. BRILLIANT. No, wait. Not brilliant. The other thing.