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October 4th, 2006

The Score On Terra

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Memo to our Evil Overlords: YOU ARE DUMB.

I mean, it's bad enough that their goals and ideology are abhorrent and warped. That's a given. But it's disheartening to note, on TOP of all that, how astonishingly bad they are at it.

By my count, after over half a trillion dollars spent in the Global Crusade Against Militant Islamo-extremo-fascists With A Nougat Swirl, we are... one for six. And I'm being generous on the one. That's a .167 batting average, which I'm sure could lead to something pithy if I weren't addled by swarms of retarded Twins fans whooping it up downtown all week. Here's a quick rundown:

DEPOSING SADDAM HUSSEIN: That's the one I'll give them credit for. They deposed him, they captured him, and now, every six months, they get to remind us how completely shitty the new Iraqi court system is by dragging him into that one room they still have and letting him shout for a couple hours while they wait for the next judge, prosecutor, or defense attorney to resign. You'll pardon me if I don't get out the red, white and blue foam finger just yet.

WMD: I don't know about the rest of you, but I fully expected the United States to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Whether they were there or not. The fact that they failed to gin up even one half-built nuke or a pile of yellowcake in the corner of a lab somewhere is fucking amazing. I mean, Halliburton's a nuclear power, right? I'm sure they had something from overstock they could have sanded the identification off and shipped over in one of the trucks they were using to pretend to ship food to the soldiers. Instead we get Rick Santorum holding a blank piece of paper in front of his face.

TALIBAN:: Let's pretend that Bill Frist is right, the AP did fuck up his quote, and all he really MEANT to say was that we needed to use the political process to keep moderate rural Afghanis from continuing to join the Taliban. While that's certainly better than what was reported, ("...assimilate people who call themselves Taliban into a larger, more representative government...") this is still the Taliban whose asses we supposedly put Toby Keith's boot up years ago. Imagine, a major world superpower unable to take out a bunch of Afghan rebels. Nobody could have anticipated!

IRAQ (Stable): How are those trenches around Baghdad coming?

IRAQ (Free): How are those walls and checkpoints around Baghdad coming?

IRAQ (Democratic): I'm almost tempted to give them half-credit on this one. I hear you're still able to see those purple-tipped fingers all over the country. Not attached to hands anymore, but still! They voted a few times! Of course, if that's what it took to have a stable, functioning democracy, Florida would have one, too.

Sure, I'd rather the administration had not embarked on a quest to blow the next four decades of our national slush fund on a quest to establish imperial Christian hegemony over the Middle East. But since he did, even I'd rather they were all eating McRibs and praying to Jesus instead of the shitpile we ended up with, and that they keep trying to plant one daisy in and convince us it's the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.