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June 29th, 2006

Senate Spank Inferno

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Memo to Mark Dayton and the Thirteen Dwarves: YOU ARE DUMB.

Sweet merciful fuckmonkeys, that was close. One more asshole and we'd be having fifty flag-burning debates in fifty state legislatures, wasting the time of hundreds upon hundreds of state legislatures to the extent that such a thing is even possible.

You want to know how close it was? Hillary voted against it. It was even closer than that. JOYSTICK JOE voted against it. Three (other) Republicans voted against it. And fourteen fucking Democrats voted for a constitutional amendment banning flag burning.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating. The only thing that makes me want to burn an American flag is a constitutional amendment banning it. I want to breathe in that rich, smoky scent that only comes from fifty burning stars. The only thing better than setting a flag on fire is setting a flag on fire that an opportunistic politician has wrapped himself in.

I expect that kind of jingoistic meaningless crap from Republicans. If it weren't for jingoistic meaningless crap, all that would be left of their platform is blowing billionaires and lynching gays. I do not expect support for that kind of shit from Democrats unless, apparently, they fall into one of three categories.

THEY'RE ASSHOLES.

Of the fourteen, this description only conclusively applies to two people. There's Ben Nelson, the embryo-fetishizing hawk from Nebraska that makes Joe Lieberman look like a vegan atheist from Berkeley. Ben Nelson's a dick, so it's no stretch to think he actually believes the Constitution needs to be changed so the four flag-burning incidents this year can never happen again.

And there's Harry Reid. The fucking MINORITY LEADER. If you're the leader, then you need to lead. This is not leading. This is ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"No matter how strongly you feel about flag burning, is this the right time to do it, while these other issues are laying dormant? I don't think so." - Brave words, if they hadn't been completely uncercut by VOTING FOR IT.UP FOR RE-ELECTION.

These are the cowards. These are why I firmly believe that if you want to reform politics, you need a law that, for the next fifteen years, absolutely prohibits the inclusion of voting records in campaign advertisements and literature. You'd think voting records would be important, but in TV ads and flyers, they're just selective caricatures based on stupid show votes like this.

I guaranfuckingtee you that Dianne Feinstein, Robert Menendez, Bill Nelson, and Debbie Stabenow were afraid of ads claiming they refused to protect America's flag. Well, either that, or they're assholes. Same goes for Evan Beyh, who is under the delusion that he has a shot at the presidency.

THE INEXPLICABLE

Most of these are potential assholes, because there are at least a hundred of these fucking Senators rolling around, and unless I've seen them do something stupid before, I have no way of accurately judging their motivations. Mary Landrieu*, John Rockefeller, Tim Johnson, Max Baucus, Blanche Lincoln, and Ken Salazar. I reserve the right to hold this vote against them the next time they say or do something incredibly stupid in public.

Whjch leaves us with Mark Dayton's vote. A vote I simply cannot comprehend. I mean, he's no fucking genius, but by purely senatorial standards, he's not completely hopeless. Plus he gets to stand next to Norm Coleman a lot, and cannot but be helped by the comparison.

But most importantly... he's retiring. This is it. His last year in the Senate. He's not up for re-election in '06. He doesn't have to fund-raise. He doesn't have to cover his ass. He can vote however the fuck he wants on whatever the fuck he wants. And he voted for this amendment. It makes no sense. If only someone had asked him why he supported the amendment. TO GOOGLE!

"Dayton has said that he was swayed by two 1999 trips to the American cemetery at Normandy Beach in France. In announcing his support for the amendment in March 2001, he said, 'Surely, that supreme sacrifice should be sanctified, honored, respected and forever made inviolate.'"

Ah. I'd missed that, then. Mark Dayton's an asshole. Because as counterintuitive as it may seem to jingoistic, opportunistic senators, the only true way to sanctify, honor, respect and make forever inviolate the sacrifices made in the name of the flag is to let that sucker burn.

*Well, she is from the Pigfucker State. That may explain everything right there.