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November 1st, 2006

This Week's Rollback: Eyes

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Memo to the Save Wal-Mart People: GO FOR IT.

Just in case you needed even more evidence that the conservative movement is not only eating its own, but actually using other bits of its own as a decorative garnish for the main course of its own, look no further than the attempt by ultra-nuts-Christians to mount a fervent protest on November 24... against Wal-Mart.

Yes, Wal-Mart. Home of the low, low prices on products that still usually exceed the annual wages of the people who helped make them. Darling of the right and foe of the left, and for the exact same reason - being the standard bearer for the excesses of capitalism. Wal-Mart is proof that the market can solve any problem, as long as the problem is of the "needing toilet paper and having six bucks" category and not the "I need to see the doctor" variety.

You would think the fundies would spend their time organizing protests of the local organic co-op with the lesbian cashiers. But let's face it, even these dimbulbs know that's a lot of work for very little gain. Plus, as we've seen over and over again, these fuckers are so possessive they make Alex Forrest* look like the Dalai Lama. If they think a tiny part of what they consider theirs is getting taken away, they will go APESHIT. They'll start making signs and issuing releases and writing up websites and throwing temper tantrums.

And oh, how Wal-Mart did transgress. When you hear what Wal-Mart did, you're going to be shocked. Surprised. Amazed. Possibly awestruck. The fundies certainly were. Here's just a snippet of the phrasings they used to describe Wal-Mart's crime. ACTUAL QUOTE COMPILATION TIME!

"Satan has Wal-Mart in his line of fire... Wal-Mart has finally succumbed to this constant harassment and blackmail. She has now chosen a policy of appeasement to assuage all of the false accusations leveled against her in hopes that the devil will somehow stop being so mean... the world's largest retailer would also become the world's largest promoter of homosexual sodomy! ... [they are] an accomplice to the killing of little boys and girls in the privacy of American homes.

With rhetoric like this, there are only two possibilities. First, using a combination of Satanic arts, illegal technology, and alien DNA, they've reanimated the corpse of Sam Walton, cloned the corpse by the thousands, turned 90% of the clones gay, and sent all of them on a coast to coast rampage of ass-rape and child murder.

Or second, they're going to carry out Plan B and have donated .0002% of their 2005 profits to join the Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce.

Yes, if SaveWalMart.com has its way, on November 24, complete fucking idiots with home-made signs saying "WAL-MART SUPPORTS SODOMY", "WAL-MART BETRAYED JESUS CHRIST", and "WAL-MART CELEBRATES SIN"** will show up at Wal-Marts all across the hickiest parts of America to protest a $25,000 donation and a vague commitment to treat its employees, customers, and suppliers in an equally shitty and reprehensible manner no matter what their sexual orientation.

And more power to them. Every inbred fuckwad outside Wal-Mart can join every inbred fuckwad INSIDE Wal-Mart on the list of inbred fuckwads I'm less likely to run into going about my daily business. That includes all the letter-writers featured on the site, like Kimberly Reyes of Dallas, who claims her and her husband's first stop after their honeymoon was Wal-Mart. Imagine how bleak that honeymoon must have been if visiting Wal-Mart was an improvement?

Nor will I be running into Kathy Heldreth of Charlotte, North Carolina, who claims in her letter to (a) have EIGHT CHILDREN, and (b) do all her shopping at Wal-Mart. May I suggest that if Mrs. Heldreth needs to make a little extra money on the side to cover the higher costs she will incur by boycotting Wal-Mart, that she volunteer as a research subject for scientists searching for the genetic component to stereotypes.

Fundies trying to save Wal-Mart from itself, while Wal-Mart tries to save the fundies forty cents on toothpaste. And the only one left smiling is me.

*Here's the rule. If I have to go to IMDB to make the joke, you have to go to IMDB to get it.

**Actual, I shit you not, suggested sign wordings from the website.