You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
September 6th, 2005
Right. We suspend our regularly scheduled coverage of the horse show judge and the hurricane to bring you vitally important news from Kenya - a guy fucked a goat.
Now, under normal circumstances, a guy fucking a goat in Kenya would only be moderately funny. Unlike the US, or even Australia, it's very difficult for me to use goatfucking as some kind of metaphor or analogy for Kenyan culture, about which, as an American, I know neither jack nor shit.
So all I'm left with is a guy fucking a goat. Again, pretty funny, but fairly tame stuff. The devil, as they say, is in the details. And some of the details are pretty funny. The guy was 23, and got caught making chevre, as it were, by the goat's owner and neighbor. The villagers, not having access to Internet columns, instead cornered the apparent Jim Breuer fan.
Having been outed as a Jim Breuer fan, and incidentally also a zoophile, the man hurled rocks at the villagers, then jumped into a pond in what is described as a suicide attempt, but strikes me as an extraordinarily lame one, if that's the case. Maybe he was just trying to get the goatstank off him.
Oh, there is one more minor detail. The one I've left out as an obvious ploy, as it will certainly become the linchpin for the impending comedy. He wasn't just fucking the goat. He was fucking the goat while STRANGLING IT TO DEATH. Now that's just unneccessary. It's gilding the lily. How bad off do you have to be when just fucking a goat isn't enough kink for you? And if that IS your kink, maybe you should just leave the goats alone and stay at home choking your chickens.
But this leads me to my theory. It does require one basic assumption that I normally would not go for, but let's say, for the sake of argument, that the Hindus have gotten it right, and when we die, we are reincarnated as other beings, higher or lower life forms as dictated by our actions in life. Assuming that's the case, here's my theory.
That poor Kenyan goat was once Michael Hutchence.
Think about it. What if, in some kind of great cosmic irony, every time Michael Hutchence gets reincarnated, he ends up dying in some form of erotic asphyxiation? He comes back as some kind of animal, then some poor perverted person somewhere in the world ends up fucking and strangling that animal.
Now, I'm not up on the fine distinctions on the Wheel of Life, but I'm thinking that a goat is pretty far up on the scale of things, and what you get knocked down to after dying from autoerotic asphyxiation is pretty far down. So Hutchence has, for the past eight years, been working his way back up to human in what may be the least pleasant way possible. Why go through all that? I can think of only one reason.
To get back in time for the season finale of "Rock Star: INXS". Let's face it, if I were Hutchence, and after eight years of poking around the backwaters of the music industry, my band whored themselves out to a reality show where a bunch of wannabe singers straight out of Reality Central Casting were competing to replace me, I'd want to do everything in my power to crash the party. Even if that means getting goat-fucked to death in Kenya.
Yes, it may seem far-fetched. Like intelligent design, it's JUST A THEORY. But if it's true, I think we can all agree on one thing. We're all rooting for him to succeed. Because that would be the single greatest moment in the history of television. just four more days, Michael! You can do it! Or, at least, have it done to you repeatedly!