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May 30th, 2007

On Lou Dobbs And Masturbation

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Memo to Laura Mallory and John Hawkins: YOU ARE DUMB.

Everybody's talkin' at me, and I don't hear a word they say. But I do read them, and upon reading and partially deciphering the screeds they send forth upon an unsuspecting world, I am left with one inescapable conclusion. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"This is just the latest reminder of why we shouldn't want 10% of a moderately hostile neighboring country residing within our borders as guest workers/Z Visa holders." - John Hawkins, Right Wing News

This is, on the face of it, your normal anti-brown rantery - the usual "they're immigrating so they can take over" Pat Buchanan "invasion" seal-the-border build-a-fence garden-variety bullshit. What makes it special is the event the leading "This" refers to. Normally, this sort of thing would be triggered by, say, a report of an illegal immigrant committing a crime*, or a big protest where someone dared wave the Mexican flag, or a redneck overhearing someone speaking in Spanish. You know, REAL THREATS TO THE COUNTRY.

But what set John Hawkins off? The Miss Universe pageant, which was held in Mexico City, and during which, at one point, Miss USA was booed by the audience. Who knows why. Maybe it was because she fell earlier in the evening. Maybe it's because the entire audience wants to retake Aztlan. Or maybe it's because somehow, they got the idea that we're a bunch of racist rednecks who live in constant fear, who think Mexico is just a giant system for exchanging spicy food for lost American jobs. I'm not sure where they get that idea. Do they even get Lou Dobbs in Mexico? And if they do, is he dubbed into Spanish?

"I have a dream that God will be welcomed back in our schools again. I think we need him." - Laura Mallory, of Lawrenceville, GA.

This is the kind of thing you hear stupid people say all the time. I'm sure that to her it sounded very poetic. I wonder if she even knew she was echoing Martin Luther King, or, as is more likely, this is what she ACTUALLY DREAMS ABOUT. What makes it special, once again, is the context. You see, Mallory said this after losing a lawsuit. A lawsuit against her county's school board. A lawsuit where she tried, unsuccessfully, to get the Harry Potter books removed from her schools' libraries.

A lawsuit based upon the grounds that Harry Potter promotes witchcraft, witchcraft is a religion, and thus reading Harry Potter books in school is... and can you see this coming, because it's pure stupid awesome - a violation of the separation of church and state.

I know expecting internal consistency from morons is like expecting roses from a colostomy bag, but using a principle you clearly don't believe to try to win your insane lawsuit? That's either coldly calculating or incredibly obtuse. To help us find out which, I present to you this bonus Mallory quote.

"They’re really very long and I have four kids. I’ve put a lot of work into what I’ve studied and read. I think it would be hypocritical for me to read all the books, honestly. I don’t agree with what’s in them. I don’t have to read an entire pornographic magazine to know it’s obscene." - Mallory, last year, when she still thought she had a fucking case.

That settles that, then. A cold, calculating manipulator of the legal system would probably understand the meanings of words like "hypocritical" and "honestly". Nor would they be under the mistaken assumption that one "reads" a pornographic magazine. Much less reads the entire thing in one sitting.

*Other than the one right-wing nutjobs feel the need to continually remind us they've committed, of course. Thanks, guys!