Archive - 2018

January 2nd

Sorta Vaguely Hopesque

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Memo to Kayla Moore By Inference, Michelle Bachmann, and Donald Trump: YOU’RE DUMB THIS YEAR TOO>

Ah, 2018. A whole new year, filled with promise and purpose and... oh, who am I kidding. Weather has gotten so insane that they’ve started calling storms “bomb typhoons”, people spent the holidays trying to pre-pay their taxes because nobody, including the IRS, Congress, and the public, knows what the tax bill will do to them, and, of course, the President is a narcissistic asshole with dementia. Still, a few brief rays of hope can be teased from the darkness of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

”There could not be a more passionate supporter of Doug than me!“ - Alabama lawyer Richard Jaffe.

You probably don’t know who Richard Jaffe is. Well, you know him, but not by name. You know him because Kayla Moore, trying to get her child-molesting husband acquitted on charges of hating Jews, cited Jaffe in her infamous “OUR LAWYER IS A JEW moment that probably didn’t help anything.

It turns out Jaffe was the attorney the Moores hired to try to get their kid off of a drug charge because that’s what rich white people do all the time while hundreds of thousands of nonviolent drug offenders of color rot in prisons. But that gets away from the part that should make us all feel good - the man Kayla Moore cited to help her husband’s campaign is essentially besties with the man who sent Roy Moore packing into a month-long desperate shame spiral of non-concession. And if that doesn’t bring a smile to your face, you’re reading the wrong website.

”I've had people contact me and urge me to run for that Senate seat. The only reason I would run is for the ability to take these principles into the United States Senate." - Michelle Bachmann, pledging to maybe make this year bearable after all.

DO IT. DOOOOOO IT. LISTEN TO THOSE PEOPLE. I know Minnesota can be a 50-50 state at the worst of times in statewide races, but still, DO IT. I need to watch you lose. I need to watch you lose the primary at the very least. Assuming there are even primaries. Look, this state is fucking weird sometimes.

The only thing better than Bachmann being rejected by her own party would be Bachmann being embraced by it, Roy Moore style, and then being crushed in 2018, becoming part of the narrative of a Republican party that nobody can fucking deal with anymore. Or, you know. She could win. But just because encouraging the worst possible people to run for office on the opposing side failed spectacularly that one time doesn’t necessarily make it bad strategy or my sole source of joy in the universe.

“Since taking office I have been very strict on Commercial Aviation. Good news - it was just reported that there were Zero deaths in 2017, the best and safest year on record!” - Donald Trump, announcing what he clearly didn’t know was a tie with every year going back to 2010.

Clearly, there’s only one solution to the Trump presidency. Donald Trump must immediately be given a tour of the US Bullion Repository at Fort Knox. His pathological need to take credit for everything will lead him to declare that he is in fact King Midas, and while 25th Amendment proceedings won’t begin as a result, we’ll all have irrevocable proof that it should be. To the extent that irrevocable proof means anything anymore.

Oh, and on that last point, It’s important for me to mention that in the hours between when I became aware of that tweet and decided to write about it thanks to the kickass Fort Knox joke, Donald Trump tweeted nine times, and four of those tweets were more batshit insane than this one. It would have been three, but it turns out even 280 characters isn’t enough to stop him from stringing “thoughts” across two tweets using ellipses.Even taking his legislative power away in 2018, which needs to happen, is only going to minimize the damage. HAPPY NEW YEAR!