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Another Holiday Ruined

« February 2018 »

Memo to mattress bargain hunters: YOU STILL WON’T SLEEP WELL.

It’s President’s Day, and Donald Trump conveniently helped us all celebrate it by reminding us, once again, that the President of the United States is an insane moron, possibly in mental decline, elected on the backs of millions of idiots who bought into right-wing fever-swamp bullshit about Hillary Clinton redirected, amplified, and weaponized by a Russian government that hated her. And yes, I’m also talking about you, Berniebros.

On Sunday, clearly reeling from the Friday indictments that revealed that in addition to buying ads, promoting hashtags, and posing as everyone’s racist uncle on Facebook, the Russians actually organized in-person Trump rallies, including one that featured a Hillary effigy in an orange jumpsuit and cage, Trump released a series of tweets that was long and unhinged, even by the standards he’s established. Enjoy some highlights.

”I never said Russia did not meddle in the election. “

Firs, obviously, you never said they did, at any of the points where everyone else was saying that they did. But more importantly, this is a demonstrable lie, the counterfact to which is less than four fucking months old, because in November, after he met Putin in Vietnam, Trump stated outright that Putin denied the meddling and he believed Putin. His staff made him “clarify” the statement the next day, but we all know that shit only counts for the fools who continue to believe in President Do-Over.

”Liddle Adam Schiff”

This nickname is problematic on at least two levels. First, of course, is the sheer hackery of it. You’d think that if there was one skill Donald Trump could legitimately be said to have mastered, it’s coming up with nicknames for people he doesn’t like. But “Little” is a retread. He’s used it on Bob Corker, and of course famously on Marco Rubio. And then he spelled it “Liddle”, which is a problem if it was an accident and a bigger problem if it was on purpose, because everyone knows that on purpose, it’s spelled “Widdle”, or, preferably, “Widdums”. As in, “Is Widdums President feeling like the investigation is closing in on him?”

”Very sad that the FBI missed all of the many signals sent out by the Florida school shooter. This is not acceptable. They are spending too much time trying to prove Russian collusion with the Trump campaign - there is no collusion. “

If my theory is true, that nearly everything Trump does is the result of toddler bargaining, then clearly he’s mastering the art of THAT deal. Sure, he had to read a pre-written “sad speech” off a prompter without even adlibbing during it, but in return, he didn’t have to spend much time in Florida, spent the time there visiting with first responders, smile and give really weird thumbs-ups the whole fucking time, and then, when he got back, got to use all seventeen of those dead teens to make sure his base stayed mad at the FBI. That’s the toddler equivalent of getting cookies AND ice cream just for going to bed on time.

The remainder of the tweets were basically a laundry list of every single Clinton and Obama fake scandal ginned up by the right that the Russians used to meddle in our election, combined with further denials of collusion with the Russians, so, you know. Happy President’s Day!