Archive - 2016

January 21st

Squit Squandwich

« January 2016 »
SuMoTuWeThFrSa
1
2
3
5
9
10
12
16
17
19
22
23
24
25
29
30
31

Memo to Sarah Palin, Rick Snyder, and Andrea Tantaros: YOU ARE DUMB.

Today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY is akin to a shit sandwich. Or maybe a shit burger on a pretzel bun. The pretzel buns would be pretty great except they've got a bit of shit on them, but the middle is purest movement de bowel. Still, overall, a relatively cheery way to end the week.

The Sarah Palin Rule remains in effect seven-plus years later. Now that she's a private citizen being paid to say stupid shit, I will only cover her when she says stupid shit unintentionally. And so, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We're paying for, some of their squirmishes, that have been going on for centuries, where they're fighting each other, and yelling, 'Allah akbar,' calling jihad on each other's heads forever and ever. Like I said before, let them duke it out and let Allah sort it out." - Sarah Palin, at some point in her glossolalic endorsement of Donald Trump.

It's naught but fitting that the flawed, broken prototype for the Trump campaign would endorse Trump, so that's not important. What's important is "squirmishes". Thta's fucking glorious. I mean, she got a lot of words wrong, and didn't get a single sentence right, but "squirmishes" is an instant classic. Within fifteen seconds of her saying "squirmishes", the word was incorporated into every single Sarah Palin impression on the planet. It's funny because she's the trash matriarch of a garbage family.


And while we're talking about toxic stupidity, seriously, fuck Rick Snyder. Michigan's governor thinks that if he makes an actual effort to deal with the Flint water crisis now, and uses words like "politicize" and "move forward" a lot, it'll absolve him from helping cause the problem and doing nothing about it for a year-and-a-half.

And you know why he thinks that? Because it works great in American politics. Because if politicians hold other politicians accountable for their malfeasance, who's going to let them off the hook when their turn comes around? If Bush and Cheney got let off the hook for torturing a bunch of brown people, Snyder will slip off the hook for poisoning a bunch of poor kids. Exceptionalism!


I've got some good news and some bad news for Andrea Tantaros, the Fox host who recently said, of Michael Bay's Benghazi-themed jingo-jizz fantasy, "13 Hours", "And frankly, if anyone sees this movie, which everyone should go see it, and then goes on to vote for Hillary Clinton, they're a criminal. In my estimation."

The good news is that the criminal population will not dramatically increase anytime soon. And the bad news is that nobody saw "13 Hours". It came in fourth, which is unprecedented for a Michael Bay movie. Rape bears, space hippies, and "at-risk urban" comedians all made more money than "Benghazi Is For Real", It would have done better at the box office, but half the target audience was stuck in an Oregon wildlife refuge.