Archive - 2016

November 23rd

Limited Thanks

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Memo to Ben Carson and Barack Obama: THANK YOU.

For this special holiday edition of SPASTIC TOPIC TURKEY THURSDAY, I decided to discuss what I was thankful for in the world that this column generally covers. And I really did try, but I could only find two. So, you know, things aren't completely hopeless? Anyway, we have to take what comfort we can get these days, so here goes:

I'm thankful for Ben Carson's likely confirmation hearings. I mean, I hold no illusions that he won't be confirmed. I mean, please. You think a Republican Congress is going to give two shits about whether or not the agency in charge of finding housing for poor people is run by someone competent or capable? It's not like he was picked for ambassador to Israel or something.

But on a pure entertainment value basis? Come on. You know you want to see him at least try to answer a Democrat's question about why he's taking the job after he said he wasn't qualified to run a federal agency. You know you want to hear how he thinks government housing was actually originally intended to store grain. You want to see if he makes it through the whole thing awake. It's gonna be glorious right up until he gets the fucking job.


I'm thankful for Barack Obama. I happened to have the news on when he was giving out the Presidential Medals of Freedom to people like Tom Hanks, Ellen DeGeneres, and Kareem Abdul Jabbar, and watching him smoothly make his way through a prepared speech full of scripted platitudes and awkward Public Occasion Jokes, I realized that the eight years of Obama have, despite the memory of Dubya, made me take basic verbal coherence for granted.

I mean, it's way the fuck down on Donald Trump's near endless list of terminal flaws, but the way he peppers his scripted speeches with his weird little Trump affectations is going to be fucking maddening when they're broadcast over the loudspeakers in my forced labor camp. It'll make hearing the platitudes for Medal of Freedom recipients Ted Nugent, Ann Coulter, and What Do You Mean The Burger King Isn't A Real Person even more unpleasant.