Archive - Jul 2016

July 21st

The World's Loudest Hybrid

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Memo to the Roger Ailes, Antonio Sabato Jr., Pokemon Pronouncers, and Sarah Palin: YOU ARE DUMB.

So much to cover, and Trump hasn't even spoken yet as of the writing of this. The only way to deal with it is to hybridize. It's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEYS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS ON FRIDAY!

The departure of Roger Ailes from Fox and Fox News is cheerworthy, but only just, and only by comparison to how miserable everything else is. Even the most casual observer would come to the conclusion that the creepy old fuck has been preying on women for decades, and that this resignation is a tacit admissoion now that the dam has broken and women are finally willing/able to come forward.

But even if it's technically a punishment, Ailes is still getting the kind of carefully negotiated "resignation" that is the purview of the upper echelons of society. Ailes will not suffer. He'll still be a rich asshole, he'll still have nearly all of his power and influence, and there certainly won't be any cultural changes at Fox News. There wouldn't have been any even if Rupert Murdoch himself weren't taking over from Ailes. As victories go, these potatoes are fucking microscopic.

“I don’t believe the guy is a Christian. I don’t believe the guy follows the God that I love and the Jesus that I love. If you follow his story, if you understand about Obama, I mean, that’s not a Christian name, is it? I have met a lot of Christians, know a lot of Christians. I am one, and I don’t believe he is. I believe that he’s on the other side... We had a Muslim president for seven and a half years,” - RNC speaker and micro-celebrity Antonio Sabato Jr., to ABC News.

Dude, theologically speaking, if he were a Muslim, he actually would be following the God that you love. But that's that's beside the point. Also, Islam isn't "the other side". Atheists or maybe proper Satanists would be the other side. But that's bog-standard Clash of Civilizations bullshit filtered through the too-sparse neurons of an ex-model and soap opera "star" and is thus also beside the point.

What's not beside the point is that somehow, over the past eight-plus years, not only has Sabato somehow not learned that it's an awful idea to say the shit he's saying publicly because it's crazypants bullshit, but the reason he hasn't learned it is because we don't really treat it as awful crazypants bullshit when someone says this. The man accepting the nomination tonight has said this for years and implied it as recently as a few months ago, and we're still waiting to forgive him if he just "pivots". What. The. Fuck.

OK, people. Listen up. There are over THIRTY MILLION of you out there playing Pokemon Go. And for every one of you playing it, there's ten people listening to you talk about playing it. This provides us a unique opportunity to correct a wrong that's persisted for decades. All you have to do is one simple thing. Stop saying "POKEYMON". (Also stop saying "POKEYMANN", but let's stay focused.)

I'm not going to ask you to go full-on long-A-sound with the correct pronunciation, "POKE-AY-MAHN". I will settle for any lazy-ass schwa sound you want to use for the E. I'll do more than settle. I'd be ecstatic if all I ever heard from this point forward was "Pokuhmuhn Go". Over the fucking moon. I mean, there have only been cartoons about it airing consistently since the days when Y2K would destroy us all, each episode rife with examples of nobody every saying POKEYMON. If you're willing to fall down a ravine to catch them, you should be willing to adjust your vowels.

"Cruz’s broken pledge to support the will of the people tonight was one of those career-ending “read my lips” moments. I guarantee American voters took notice and felt more unsettling confirmation as to why we don’t much like typical politicians because they campaign one way, but act out another way." - Sarah Palin, using Breitbart to give political advice to Ted Cruz. Commence laughter.

Now, this is not to say that Ted Cruz's RNC speech wasn't calculated bullshit of the highest order. Cruz is betting that Trump will tank, and tank embarrassingly, and four years from now one of the most extremist assholes in politics today will be perfectly positioned to say "I told you so, you should have gone with a moderate like me."

So, you know, there are potentially worse things than Trump winning the 2016 election. I'd take four years of Trump over a mainstreamed Cruz turning HIllary Clinton into the next Jimmy Carter in 2020. That's a real nightmare scenario. Plus, there's a chance we'd only get like six months of Trump as president before we're all scrabbling in the dirt of what used to be America, which still might ber preferable to Ted Cruz, Centrist President.