Archive - Jul 2016

June 30th

Brownian Stupidity

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Memo to the Trump campaign, FDA conspiracy theorists, and Chelsea haters: YOU ARE DUMB.

This week's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY is all about vague, diffuse groups of idiots working together to achieve a very, very dubious goal. It's not much of a theme, I know, but you don't come here for the themes, you come for the startling insights. Right? Right.

The best part about Donald Trump's presidential campaign is its constant demonstration of pure, rank incompetence. It wasnt inevitable, but luckily for all of us, every Republican with a lick of sense is staying the fuck away from what they suspect is a doomed campaign, and what's left are a bunch of complete fucking idiots who do things like make "Indian" war whoops when talking about Elizabeth Warren and doofuses who spam dozens of foreign politicians soliciting illegal contributions from them.

The worst part about Donald Trump's campaign is that it might, just might, horribly expose how unnecessary all the things people say are important in a campaign actually are. All the things campaigns are supposed to be good at, Trump is awful at. Fundraising. Organizing. The omnipresent "ground game". If Trump, lacking all of these things, only loses to Hillary Clinton by single digits, what's that going to mean for the conventional wisdom about how campaigns should be run? I'm not a huge fan of conventional wisdom normally, but I can't help but think that all these weird rituals the journalists and politicians all follow are probably keeping them busy and preventing them from doing horrible, horrible things.


Listen, people. When the FDA tells you not to eat raw cookie dough, they're not doing it because they want to control your life. They're not doing it because they're buzzkills. They're not doing it as the latest in a series of contradictory things you think are scientific findings because you vaguely remember headlines saying "X is bad for you" and then "X is good for you" a few years later. They're doing it because flour apparently has shit in it.

Or, at least, it has e coli in it, which means somewhere along the line it probably had shit in it. Just another fun consequence of how we manage our food supply, really. And you know what? They can't stop you. If you want to eat raw cookie dough, please, be my guest. Ignore scientific advice. And the best part is, when the hallway leading to your bathroom has shit in it just like the flour did, you still won't come to the realization that they actually were from the government and they actually were here to help you, so you'll do it again and again and again. While I laugh. Not shitting myself. Knowing that baked cookies are better than raw dough anyway, fuckwits.


Chelsea Handler is right and the Internet is wrong.

Are you happy, Democrats? Forty years of solemn head-shaking and hand-wringing over abortion, treating it like a necessary evil to try to gain the favor of assholes, and what have you got? A holding action against the advancing hordes of embryo fetishists and a culture of shame around abortion so thick and pervasive that when a successful entertainer reveals she had two abortions when she was 16 and doesn't regret it one bit, she has to spend a week defending herself.

Well, fuck all y'all. You know what none of the 16-year-olds who kept their babies 25 years ago have? Their own Netflix show. Chelsea Handler had a choice 25 years ago, and she made it, and she improved her life and put creative works out there in the world that I can freely ignore because I'm not really a fan of her comedy. But she still made the right choice, and the shame-cult's outrage isn't even at the choice she made. It's at the fact that contrary to all their propaganda, shit worked out for her JUST FINE. Unlike how shit's been working out for pregnant teenagers in Texas for the past year or so.