Archive - Apr 2016

April 28th

While The Cruzing Is Good

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Memo to Ted Cruz: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Ted Cruz has had a week of non-stop unintentional hilarity, starting with losing five primaries and being mathematically eliminated from securing the nomination on the first ballot. This is, of course, an unmitigated Good Thing, because way too many people would be able to convince themselves that Cruz was a reasonable alternative and an improvement over Donald Trump, even though Cruz is a goddamned monster. So let's all revel in Ted's awful week in a special SPASTIC TOPIC MONSTER FRIDAY!

And we have to start with him pre-selecting Carly Fiorina as his potential running mate in the event that he receives the nomination. It's a transparent desperate ploy for attention, an obvious attempt to shore up his support among, I guess, women who hate feminists.

Fiorina is, of course, famous for lying about Planned Parenthood, firing a bunch of people from Hewlett Packard, and lying about Planned Parenthood. Two of those things totally qualify her for being an appropriate partner for Cruz. I suppose Cruz could have prevented the Hewlett Packard debacle if he bought toner cartridges the way he bought canned soup. Of course, Firoina has about as much chance of being a vice presidential candidate as Merrick Garland has of becoming a Supreme Court justice, but never underestimate the power of Republicans to create meaningless jobs to keep each other employed regardless of ability.

In other news, "basketball ring".

They say that gaffes resonate when they reinforce a common underlying perception about the politician who makes them. So if you already suspected that Ted Cruz was a lizard alien with a skin harvested from roadside hoboes who still hasn't quite mastered the art of imitating a human who knows that nobody buys 100 cans of soup, well, him misquoting "Hoosiers" in Indiana by calling the hoop a "basketball ring" is going to resonate like a motherfucker.

But it's possible that Ted Cruz isn't an alien. If John Boehner is to be believed, he's "Lucifer in the flesh".

Boehner's comments about Cruz, which also included the phrase "the most miserable son of a bitch I ever worked with", are startling because even in a world with Donald Trump in it, that level of candor is almost unheard of in public. Politics is such an incestuous business that the people involved in it are generally trained to avoid burning bridges. And even if you're ostensibly out of the game like Boehner, you still need favors and friends in high places.

Cruz responded to this by saying he barely worked with Boehner, which is interesting, because that means Cruz is able to convince people that he's the worst in a VERY short amount of time. Apparently hating Cruz is almost instinctual, the human brain screaming at you that something is horribly wrong. And it's so powerful that it even works on John Boehner, who, as you may recall, was not exactly a pinnacle of humanity to begin with.

All this AND nobody fucking voted for him? Definitely a bad week for Ted Cruz, so definitely a good week in the fight against repressive lizard-demons.