Archive - Mar 2016

March 22nd

Bad To Worse

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Memo to John Kasich, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz: DUMB, DUMBER, DUMBEST.

I know, last week, I said I was done using IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS to prove that all the GOP candidates were equally awful. And that's still true. Today's column is to show the complete spectrum of awful on one specific issue. Because horrible world events provoke horrible responses from horrible people, and the Brussels attacks are no exception.

“I would hope what the president would do, Brian, and perhaps they are, is I think he ought to return home,” he said. “He ought to work with the, you know, the heads of state around the world.” - John Kasich, because whatever happens, Obama's handling it wrong.

Kasich is very busy painting himself as the moderate alternative to Trump and Cruz, and while that's a lie, he's got to keep the act up consistently while everyone's so distracted by Trump they're not looking at his actual record. So he's being very old-school traditional neocon about the attacks. Rooting out evil, attacking our wonderful democratic way of life. He'll probably dip into "clash of civilizations" territory before he's done, but not much farther than that.

But we can't forget the incredibly simplistic solutions to complicated problems! Obama should come home! Because he can, um, do things here? Let's face it. They want him here because he's not here and it's an easy hit. And he should come home to the United States so he can work with heads of state around the world. Who he'll have to work with by Super Sekrit Skype or something, because they're not here in the US where you want Obama to be. And I would hope Obama can super-sekrit Skype from anywhere. Kasich is a dumbass.

"Waterboarding would be fine. If they can expand the laws, I would do a lot more than waterboarding. You have to get the information from these people." - Donald Trump, finding something from his stock assortment of phrased policy nuggets that might apply to the situation.

What I love here is the whole "if they can expand the laws" bit. You know where that comes from? That comes from a minor dustup in the Trump campaign over the pas month where Trump said "we'll commit war crimes" and the military said "we won't commit war crimes" and Trump was all like "They'll commit war crimes if I order them to" and that must have blown up REALLY badly in his face behind the scenes because he's backtracked to "I'm fine with war crimes, but only when they're not technically illegal". Progress?

This is Trump at his weird bullheaded stupid bestworst. Dude neither knows nor cares that "waterboarding" and "getting the information from these people" don't even have a correlative relationship, much less a causal one. Tough guys like waterboarding, Trump wants to be a tough guy, crowds cheer when he says waterboarding, he likes it when people cheer. That's Trump's entire anti-Terrorism policy. Well, that and the Muslim ban.

"We need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized," - Ted Cruz, clearly feeling he's losing the fascist arms race to Trump.

This is why Trump makes Cruz more dangerous. Trump calls for a ban on all Muslims entering the country, and it's a red flag and a warning sign and a punchline for months. Ted Cruz calls for turning American Muslim communities into essentially some District 9 police state bulshit, and will Ted Cruz get that glued to him for the rest of the campaign? Not with Donald Trump around eating up all the media oxygen, he won't.

And, of course, there's no better way to stop people who've been living and working and participating in our society for decades from hating America than by telling them America doesn't trust them, so if they live around too many people of their own religion, we're going to send armed officers in to "patrol and secure" them, whatever the fuck that means. (That means District 9 police state bullshit). That'll nip that radicalization thing right in the bud for sure, you fucking monster.