Archive - Mar 4, 2016

Hands Off My Phone, Homophobes

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Memo to Mitt Romney, Caitlyn Jenner, and Chik-Fil-A: YOU ARE DUMB.

Even when I don't want to talk about the election, I end up talking about the election. I mean, just before I set out to write this, I learned that in the latest debate, Donald Trump assured America that his penis size was not a problem. Why the hell not? USA! USA! SPASTIC! TOPIC! MONKEY! FRIDAY!

Ha ha, Mitt Romney still doesn't know how to beat a presidential candidate. You'd think he'd have learned something in four years, but no. The fact that the Anti-Trump Coalition even decided to go with Romney as a figurehead is hilarious, because, well, MITT ROMNEY. The living, breathing, embodiment of the Republican establishment's problems with the rabid Teabagger base. Trump's followers are less likely to listen to Mitt now than they were in 2012, and in 2012 he was running against the Muslim Socialist Kenyan.

Plus, Trump had his counter ready and loaded, saying that Romney begged him for an endorsement in 2012. Which is true. Which is part of the horrible dark magic of Trump that Republicans somehow don't seem to understand. He's fucking gauche. Which means he doen't give a shit that pointing out that those who oppose him are just as sleazy and inconsistent as he is is fucking gauche. They're trying to play checkers with him, but he's not playing checkers, he's playing beer pong.


Congratulations to the transgender rights movement for Caitlyn Jenner's recent support of Ted Cruz. I mean, sure, it may seem like a bad thing that she likes his conservatism and his being a "great Constitutionalist" even though he and his supporters would pass laws to make her pretend to be a man if they could, but it's actually an important step forward.

For years, gay men had the Log Cabin Republicans. Before that, black people had Clarence Thomas and Michael Steele and now Herman Cain and Ben Carson. Women have had Phyllis Schlafly for decades. The point is, your movemnt has truly matured when one of your community can publicly go nuts and ignore their own self-interest for the sake of tax cuts, poor-hating, and shitting on minorities, including their own. It's morning in America.


When Chik-Fil-A came for the homoexuals, I said nothing. Wait, that's not true. I said a bunch of stuff. I did nothing, but one of the nothings I did, or rather, things I didn't do, was "go to Chik-Fil-A for the first time ever", so clearly I'm the Harvey Milk of not eating chicken sandwiches. The point of all that, though, is that now Chik-Fil-A has come for the phones, and they have gone too far. Some locations are offering free ice cream to anyone who finishes their meal without looking at their phone or other screen.

This is just another way for these grease-slinging Bible-thumpers to impose their own version of intimacy on the rest of us. Old Luddite intimacy, at that. Who are they to judge that two people who love each other by reading newsfeeds over a fast food lunch are somehow less loving and less valid than other couples? Oh, right. Moralistic assholes. Here's an idea. Let other people figure out for themselves what makes them happy and healthy and then let them do that.