Archive - Mar 20, 2016

So Very Special

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Memo to Roosh: YOU SURE ARE SPECIAL.

Sometimes, Men's Rights Monday is just destiny. As I usually do, I open up the Pacific Garbage Pile of websites. But as not per usual, I didn't bother scrolling through the list, because the very first item carried a headline I knew would be endlessly entertaining for all of us: "Only Six Hours Left For My Special Offers!

See, Roosh V, tit head of Return of Kings, has a book being published. Well, he has a book being self-published, because print may be dead but that doesn't mean it has to lower its standards. The book is called "Free Speech Isn't Free", which may sound like a rallying cry, but from what I could determine based on how far I was willing to delve, it seems to be a complaint that people yelled at him for being a goddamned fucktard when he went out in public. A brief excerpt from the description you know he wrote himself:

"[The book] chronicles how organizing a lecture tour for masculine men inserted Roosh Valizadeh into an unexpected free speech fight spanning several continents, putting both him and his family in danger from the globalist establishment and their mob of deranged social justice warriors."

If you're wondering what a "globalist establishment" is, it's basically far wingnut code for whatever secret cabal is currently running things, made up of whoever you're usually mad at. For anti-Semites, the globalist establishment is run by the Jews, to Roosh, it's controlling the Social Justice Warriors because empowering women and silencing Real Men are part of its plan to I have no fucking idea and probably neither does he. I mean, I think destroying Western civilization may be part of it, which is weird, since the people controlling things are pretty much Western civilization, but I think we're all past the point where we expect any of this conspiracy nonsense fueled by testosterone poisoning to make any sense.

Google tells me that the main goal of the globalist establishment right now is stopping Donald Trump, so I can only assume they've been busy giving him advice on how to run his campaign.

The point is not the book, anyhow. The point is the stuff Roosh thinks giving you will help convince you to BUY the book. First up? "An important new article explaining how to keep yourself safe from social justice attacks, especially by attackers who are already enmeshed in your social and professional circles."

Um, those aren't social justice attackers, dude. Those are acquaintances and co-workers who just realized you're a fucking monster. You know how to keep yourself safe from that? Change. Be less awful. Or pretend to in public. If you need a new article to tell you that, you're clearly not that bright, and thus the target audience for Roosh's book. Also, calling this subject "important" stretches the meaning of the word beyond the breaking point.

Second, a copy of the monster speech he was trying to give to wannabe monsters that got people mad at him and caused them to suggest that maybe the people who decided to invite this monster into their midst had made a serious fucking mistake out of either ignorance or ignorance-based monster-sympathies. I'm not sure why the book about the speech that SHOOK THE GLOBALIST ESTABLISHMENT TO ITS CORE doesn't contain the speech that SHOOK THE GLOBALIST ESTABLISHMENT TO ITS CORE, but honestly, that's consistent with the general level of writing and editing on Return of Kings, so he's probably just pretending an oversight is a special pre-order bonus.

Lest you think this is cruel speculation on my part, fueled by nothing but SJW spite, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Since I’m getting feedback that the first two bonuses are essential for the book, I’ll probably leave them in after today (they’re included in the main file), but to guarantee you get everything above, especially the discount, I recommend you place your order before midnight if you haven’t done so already."

There are lots of ways to parse that paragraph, and they all make Roosh look like an incompetent huckster at best, and an incompetent writer and editor and huckster at worst.

Third bonus is 30% off, which is irrelevant since it does not result in Roosh paying you $20 to download it to your Kindle and then ignore it forever.

Fourth bonus is SWAG. Imagine if you took a small USB drive and attached it to a credit-card-sized piece of plastic that had a cartoon outline of Roosh's hair (head AND facial) on one side and a Roosh signature on the other, and you gave it to someone, and you told them that it does have all of Roosh's books on it but you could delete them and they'd have the world's most awkward, ugly-ass USB drive from then on out, they'd still punch you in the nuts.

And that nutpunch would be followed by a heretofore unprecedented testicular/scrotal assault when I gave you the rest of the info - that you don't get the Roosh USB drive for buying the $7 e-book. Or even buying it at the $10 post-launch price. Or even buying the $15 print-on-demand edition. No, if you want this book and all his other books on a card with his face on it, you'll have to shell out FIFTY THREE DOLLARS. And order it from a website called, I shit you not, "bangguides.com", which is Roosh's e-commerce site for, well, books about politics, travel, and most importantly, tricking women into sleeping with your sorry monster ass.

But now I'm going to make you feel better with one final quote. A quote that will give you a true picture of the scope and breadth of the movement that's taking on the globalist establishment.

"I give thanks to the approximately 900 of you who have bought the book so far, making it my biggest launch ever (previous record was around 650).".

Oh, shit. When the global establishment finally rounds up Roosh and his followers, they may have to rent a small auditorium. Their defeat is imminent!