Archive - Mar 2, 2016

Tuesday Of Steel, Wednesday Of Kleenex

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Memo to The Super Tuesday Frontrunners: YOU ARE AWFUL.

Super Tuesday is, at the time of writing this, mostly on the books, and it's almost as if past performance was predictive of future returns. A lot of votes for the asshole billionaire, a few votes for the lizard weasel, and a handful of votes for the newly-crowned king of the presidential dick joke. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I’m sitting in a house in Florida with a very bad earpiece that they gave me, and you could hardly hear what he was saying. But what I heard was various groups. And I don’t mind disavowing anybody and I disavowed David Duke, and I disavowed him the day before at a major news conference. Now I go and I sit down again, I have a lousy earpiece that is provided by them, and frankly he talked about groups, he also talked about groups. And I have no problem with disavowing groups, but I’d at least like to know who they are." - Donald Drumpf, because, sure, I'll play along with John Oliver for a couple of weeks.

Jake Tapper got closer than anyone else did to the question Donald Trump needs to answer, which is "why do the most virulent racists in America think you're the guy for them, and what are you going to do about it?" Here's a hint, though. Disavowing doesn't count. Drumpf has no problem saying the word disavow. He has a problem MEANING it, and convincing our country's white supremacists that he means it, which is why he dodged the question in the first place and then backpedaled.

The dodge says to the Klan that Drumpf's on board with them. The backpedal convinces the small fraction of Drumpfkopfs that are uncomfortable with overt racism that it's still OK to like him. This seems new, but it's just the Southern Strategy rewritten for a country that's much farther to the right than it used to be. Convince the racists you're on their side, and convince the rubes you're no more racist than the rubes are willing to admit they are. Of course with Drumpf, you can't actually tell if it's intentional.

"His hands are the size of someone who's 5'5". And you know what they say about men with small hands... you can't trust 'em!"" - Marco Rubio, changing tactics to little (if you'll pardon the term) effect.

One of the problems with changing tactics in the middle of a tough election is that everyone sees you change tactics in the middle of the election. And if everyone sees you do that, well, it makes you seem less authentic. And Drumpf is already murdering you on authenticity. He's a monster, but he's an authentic monster. So suddenly deciding to make fun of his hair and his skin and his tiny hands and allude to his tiny dick is just going to ring false. And no, at the time of this writing, it didn't help him on Super Tuesday. Good luck spinning winning nothing into winning this time, Marco.

Also, it's nice that your speechwriting staff watched late night comedy shows, like, a month ago, when the small hands thing actually broke. But if there's one thing Trump's somehow learned to manage, it's professional comedians mocking him. I'm betting he'll handle your kindergarten frolics just fine. You can't out-Drumpf the Donald, you can't hit him on the issues, and you can't ignore him. All you can do is get the people who hate him understand that they'd better get their asses to the polls. Right, Hillary?

"And it also became clear to me that we are at a cultural crossroads in our country and if we can be in this race to show this country the face of the God that we serve — this Christian God that we serve is the foundation of our country." - Heidi Cruz, reminding us why Cruz is not in fact better than Drumpf.

I'd hate for this quote from a couple weeks ago to fall by the wayside, for a couple of reasons. The first being that Heidi Cruz has to know her husband has a weird fucking face. And also a weird fucking face, if you know what I mean. But the point is, his resting face is fucking creepy. So if that's the face of the God that they serve, it's a good thing she specified the Christian God, because otherwise I would have assumed they served a pandimensional Botoxed bullfrog.

But it's also a good idea to remember what when you hear Cruz "appeals to Evangelicals", that means he's pandering to the desire for a theocratic America. And while it may be yet another lie, keep in Mind that Cruz' entire campaign is based around the idea that Republicans have pandered to Evangelicals for decades and never delivered. And Cruz is promising to deliver. Luckily, he only won two states last night, at least at the time of this writing - his home state, and Oklahoma, which is practically his home state and also full of dumbshits. Let's hope Hillary is better at beating Drumpf than Rubio is.