Archive - Mar 10, 2016

Let The Weird One Out

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Memo to Ben Carson, Ben Carson, and Ben Carson: SAY HI TO JESUS FOR ME.

It's been a couple days not conducive to writing (relevant Googlable phrase "feline triad"), but there's no way I can let the passing of Ben Carson's presidential bid go unremarked upon. Also known as "The Weird Sleepy Awful One" and "2016's Herman Cain", Ben Carson enjoyed a brief period in the spotlight and a long denoument before he ran out of money to funnel to his buddies... I mean the consultants who helped him run his totally serious campaign not designed to sell a shit-ton of books and make him a permanent fixture on the right-wing lecture circuit. Ben Carson was many things, but mostly, he was an IDIOT who SAID THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"As president, I would go through and I would look at what a person's life has been. What have they done in the past, what kind of judgments have they made? What kind of associations do they have? That will tell you a lot more than an interview will tell you. The fruit salad of their life is what I will look at." - Ben Carson, at one of his last debates, explaining the other reason why he wouldn't be the Republican nominee.

Obviously, the main reason Ben Carson didn't win the nomination is because he was black, and Republicans will only pretend they're willing to vote for a black dude for just so long. But also, Ben Carson was a fucking weirdo. And not the fun kind of fucking weirdo, either. The fucking weirdo who, at the office holiday party, creeps up behind a group of people talking and, at the first pause in the conversation, says something totally unrelated about the Bible.

Carson explained "fruit salad of their lives" as an extension of the Biblical phrase "by their fruits you shall know them". This is, of course, madness, because those fruits aren't actual fruits, like the few grapes and berries and piles of cheap-shit honeydew you'd find in a fruit salad. They're fruits like fruits of your labors. Metaphorical fruits. And you can't make a salad out of metaphors.

"There's a lot of people who love me, They just won't vote for me, but that's OK." - Ben Carson, showing a weak grasp of both politics and set theory as he announced his withdrawal from the race.

Of all people, you'd think Ben Carson would understand the difference between a Venn diagram where the two circles (people who love Ben Carson, people who won't vote for Ben Carson) are separate and distinct, versus one that's, shall we say, conjoined.

But let's say that's true. That people who love Ben Carson won't vote for him. Are they trying to save him from his awful idea to run for President? Or, since those who love us know us the best, are they hyper-aware of how awful he'd be at the job? Or, and I admit this is the most likely option, is Ben Carson just weird, deluded, and wrong? Doesn't matter, at least we won't have Ben Carson to kick around anymore. Right?

"It is my faith that motivated me to be involved in the political process to begin with. I believe Christians in this country can easily determine the next president of the United States and all other national and local leaders, should they simply show up at the polls. When we do vote, We The People will once again solidify our commitment to the Judeo-Christian values upon which our nation was founded." - Ben Carson, announcing his new gig as chairman of My Faith Votes.

My Faith Votes is a non-profit that claims to be both non-partisan and non-denominational. But we all know which party has a stated goal of running the country on Judeo-Christian (a phrase that, when used, is always 50% lying) values. And we all know what demoninations tend to support that party. And, of course, putting Ben Carson at the top of your org chart sends a pretty clear signal. I mean, why not ask Al Franken, if you're so big on non-partisan and Judeo? Because you're full of shit, that's why.

And really, do we need another organization encouraging certain types of Christians to get out and vote? We've already got plenty of that. And they're very busy and active hiding cameras and editing videos and convincing idiots that Planned Parenthood is harvesting baby parts and then getting indicted for making fake driver's licenses. On the upside, My Faith Votes has apparently selected as their expert in getting Christians to vote a man who showed a demonstrable inability in getting Christians to vote for him, so, you know. Good luck with that.