Archive - Feb 2016

February 18th

Did You Know Maine Doesn't Have A Lieutenant Governor?

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Memo to Paul LePage, Pope-watchers, and Bloomberg fluffers: YOU ARE DUMB.

Our politics is a fucking trainwreck for a lot of reasons. Well, OK, one reason. Stupidity. But stupidity takes a lot of different forms and comes in a lot of different flavors. There's rank incompetence. There's belligerent obnoxiousness. And there's insidious delusion. Hey, I just listed three things! That means SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

If I treated Maine governor Paul LePage the way he deserved to be treated, this column would appear five times a day and would have to pay a hell of a lot better. How awful is Paul LePage? When reading about his insane shitting on asylum seekers that I'm about to get into, I found out that like a week ago he caught heat for making fun of a Chinese investor's name, because he's just classy like that.

Anyway, LePage said people seeking asylum are full of diseases. "...what happens is you get hepatitis C, tuberculosis, AIDS, HIV, the ziki fly, all these types of other foreign diseases that find a way to our land."

Aside from Page's weird obsession with keeping Maine pure from black sperm and foreign diseases, you know what should mean you don't get to be a governor anymore? When you call the Zika virus, a mosquito-transmitted disease that causes birth defects, and call it the "ziki fly". In a just world, the instant that came out of his mouth, LePage would have been Tasered by security, carried out of the building, the President of the Senate would get a promotion, and odds are I'd have to remember how to spell "Thibodeau" every couple of months instead of "LePage". A price I'd gladly pay. "Ziki fly", for fuck's sake.


I love how we're all suddenly shocked that Donald Trump would get into a pissing contest with Pope Francis. Two important facts for all those shocked dumbshits out there. First, the right has been dismissing and delegitimizing Pope Francis almost since day one because Francis isn't quite as gaping an asshole as most popes. There is no authority that can convince these people they're wrong. Not even authority they've previously recognized as infallible.

And second, Pope Francis didn't actually say Trump was a bad Christian. He said the idea of a border wall wasn't Christian, and so anyone who believes in one is a bad Christian. This includes most of the 2016 GOP field, and the higher their poll numbers, the worse a Christian they are in Francis' eyes. I don't really give a shit what the pope thinks, but since the media clearly does, they should maybe take some time to get it right. He was asked about Trump, but he answered about the whole wall idea.


Haven't mentioned the potential Michael Bloomberg presidential run yet because it's probably not going to happen. The "centrists" always have a little circle jerk bemoaning polarization and extremism in politics because it's getting in the way of the rich people cutting taxes for themselves and quietly screwing over poor people who never show up to the cool parties anyway.

The point is, none of these Third Way assholes and pseudo-moderate figureheads actually want to learn that they can't win. They'd much rather live in their fantasy world where all the Real Moderate Silent Americans agree totally with them and are prevented from showing it by the two-party system and all that messy "believing in things." If they ever actually ran, they'd find out there are like forty of them, and the only reason they don't hang out more is that they can't all get reservations at the same nice restaurant at the same time.