Archive - Feb 2016

February 9th

Where's My Protest W2?

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Memo to Ted Cruz, Fake Boycotters, and Protest Conspiracy Theorists: YOU'RE STILL DUMB, MOTHERFUCKERS.

It's not easy to collect other tales of stupidity in the age of the insane, illiterate, tweet-obsessed pee freak, but the fact is, some dumb shit is still happening, and it's the kind of dumb shit we'd talk about for a WEEK in the days before the leader of the free world was yelling at a court he'd see them in court after he lost in court. Lest they be left out, or as Trump would say, "underreported", let's do a classic old-school SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders had a town hall debate on health care this week, because, well, it's not like either of them have anything better to do these days. And during the debate, which nobody watched, Ted Cruz gave the single most exquisite encapsulation of the Republican attitude towards health care in history, and it's an important thing to remember next year if they finally get around to repealing Obamacare and telling you about your exciting new "access" to health insurance.

Cruz was asked by a woman with Multiple Sclerosis how she could continue to afford and receive care if, as Republicans promise, they fuck with her Medicaid. Cruz's response? "It’s a terrible disease and congratulations on your struggles dealing with it.”

That's the Republican plan for your health care. Struggle. Deal with it. Congratulations! You'll die young, but with impeccable character.

In other news, the list of things wingnuts are having to pretend they don't consume is getting longer and longer. They're boycotting Nordstrom's for ditching Ivanka, Budweiser for being invented by German immigrants, and now they can't talk about anything they're watching on Netflix because Netflix is turning "Dear White People" into a series and all the white people are nervous that non-whites are addressing them.

This, of course, leaves the extreme right without a single streaming video service they can watch. Amazons are women, so that's out. They can't watch Hulu because President Obama is from Hawaii and they think it's named after the traditional dance. HBO Now is out because it gives money to Lena Dunham and John Oliver. Crackle, of course, is the "n-word" for white people. And Vudu is right out, both for its associations with Haitian religion and nobody knowing what the fuck the service actually is.

There is no more ridiculous right-wing conspiracy theory than "paid protesters". Usually prefaced by the word "Soros", because thinking up a new boogeyman every decade or so is too rough on these dipshits' limited thinkmeats. Plus he's Jewish. It's an extension and expansion of the true fact that the Tea Party rallies were organized by wealthy Republican think tanks / PACs. The attendees were legimimate moron suckers, but it wasn't a populist movement any more than Disneyland is a spontaneous surprise party.

But if you believe the protestors are paid to protest, I want you to spend ten minutes just thinking about the logistics of paying every protestor who's shown up in the last three weeks. Note that I'm not asking you to think about the exponentially (that means "a lot") tougher job of doing it secretly, just the logistics of doing it at all. And I'm giving you ten minutes, which is straight up sixty times as many seconds as anyone should need to reach the conclusion that it's fucking ridiculous. I'm being gracious because you are thick as fuck. Don't worry. We both know at the end of the ten minutes you both won't have anything and won't care, because the reality of the protests would do ugly things to your worldview. And we can't have that, can we?