Archive - Feb 3, 2016

Iowa In The Rear View Mirror

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Memo to Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, and Martin O'Malley: YOU ARE DUMB.

Iowa's over, which means we can start having the same stupid Iowa conversations about New Hampshire now, about how all these small town folk with their plaid and their hats are real people because they live eighty miles from the nearest Best Buy like some kind of fucking animal. So let's take one last look back at the Iowa fallout from Iowa's ridiculous square dance of a polling process in IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"This is a center-right country. The values of this country are reasonable, common sense, Their Judeo-Christian values are the reason our campaign is resonating and resonating among Reagan Democrats in particular is because getting back to the principles that built America and those principles bring us together.” - Ted Cruz, the craziest he's ever been.

Ted Motherfucking Cruz is going to try and claim the mythical "center-right America" of the "Reagan Democrats"? Please. If this were even remotely true, Ted Cruz would be blogging at Return of Kings under the pseudonym "Cube N. Seegar" and not a sitting senator who just became the GOP frontrunner for a few weeks. Center-right countries don't split the vote between a centrist Democrat and a democratic socialist. They don't give Obama two terms in office regardless of how center he turned out to be.

The country isn't anything. It's a lava lamp of red and blue, sane and crazy, informed voters and fad-followers, voters and non-voters. It's a giant, unwieldy mess, and not only isn't it what Ted Cruz says it is, Ted Cruz winning is the exact opposite of proof that it is what he says it is. I hope Ted Cruz sent Trump a nice fruit basket for making it possible for anyone to accept that statement with a straight face.

"He is going to continue to push for the issues he believes, but right now this is about thanking his staff and supporters and being with his friends and families and see what doors will open next.” - Hogan Gidley, spokesman for former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee.

Mike huckabee has failed me. He exited the Presidential rate after polling exactly what you'd expect, and did so with the world's blandest tweet and this bit of pablum bullshit from a spokesman. That's just sad. And what issues did Huckabee believe in, again? I mean, other than giving Josh Duggar the benefit of the doubt on the whole sister-fingering thing and going to bat for the worst county clerk in America, I can't think of anything Huckabee did to distinguish himself during his pointless run.

As for the doors, I can only assume the same doors will open for him that opened the last time he didn't come anywhere close to even being the nominee who'd lose the election. Doors to talk radio studios, Fox News panels, and every couple of months, the Washington Post editorial page because nobody there has talked about the dangers of national bathroom gender policy for a couple of weeks. You know why so many of these assholes ran for President? Because there's no penalty for fuckbotching it.

"The cause continues, this fight continues. I am suspending this presidential bid, but I am not ending this fight.” - Martin O'Malley, who at least had the common decency to not mention doors.

Martin, Martin, Martin. I don't actively hate you. I'm not saying I'm a fan, but I've found few reasons to actively target you. I mean, maybe if I'd seen you singing that Iowa song before it made it to the Comedy Central shows, but mostly you're just irrelevant. Although apparently you stayed in through the Iowa caucuses on the off chance your numbers proved to be an entire order of magnitude higher than they were, but I'm sure someone else will pay off your campaign debts, too.

But your fight and cause won't continue. Or it will, without you, because your fight and cause was basically a well-groomed version of Bernie Sanders' cause, and when it wasn't, it was just a be-penised version Hillary Clinton's cause. All you would have managed by succeeding is to make me feel bad for Hillary Clinton, and since I don't need that in my life, I'm glad you've moved on to other pursuits where I'll hear your name almost as infrequently.