Archive - Feb 22, 2016

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Memo to Jeb Bush Supporters: HA HA HA HA HA.

And, with the South Carolina primary out of the way, the sole casualty is the one we've all been expecting. Jeb Bush has exited the race for the 2016 Republican nomination, failing to capture the imaginations of the voters, and more importantly, somehow failing to outlast Ben Carson and John Kasich.

The trials and tribulations of Jeb's campaign were well-documented, here and elsewhere, so I'm not going to dwell on them too much. Jeb entered the race with an exclamation point after his name that nobody ever believed, he entered with an air of inevitability lent to him by his last name, and that's just one of many debts Jeb will be paying off in the coming months.

But rather and pick on Jeb (who, despite the vague feelings of sympathy his months of pathos may have engendered, is still an awful little shitweasel), I'd like to turn my attention to Jeb's supporters and financiers, including and especially his SuperPAC, Right to Rise USA.

Really, we should have all seen this coming when we saw that name. To this day, I don't think anyone actually knew what "Right To Rise" meant. A few people, like Jeb, pretended to know, but nobody really knew. Anyway, Right to Rise USA raised $118 million in order to get Jeb Bush elected.

That's a shit-ton of money. It's telling, though, that nearly all of that money was raised in the first six months of 2015. Their first disclosure report showed that they'd raised $103 million, which means the money dried up fast. Three of those millions came from private equity sucker Miguel Fernandez, who literally could have spent that $3 million on in-game Clash of Clans currency and contributed more to society.

Your T. Boone Pickenses, your US Sugars, your Florida electric companies, all wrote big fucking checks to the Bush campaign, mostly before Donald Trump came in and set all their money on fire with the words "low energy". Then he peed on the money fire to put it out. I'm joking, of course. Donald Trump didn't pee on the money fire to put it out. He peed on it by accident when he was just sort of randomly publicly peeing on stuff. But still.

Now, I know dropping a few million bucks on a political campaign is, to these people, the equivalent of super-sizing their meal. And spending it on Jeb Bush is like supersizing your meal, then realizing you didn't want it anyway and throwing it in the trash. But I really hope, today, they spend at least a few seconds taking out their checkbooks and looking wistfully at them before throwing them to the ground with a Boss Hogg "Dagnabbit!"

Because it's not like they're getting any of that money back. Right to Rise spent over $116 million of it. What did they spend it on? For the most part, other than "not votes", nobody really knows. But there was the January video mailer.

Right to Rise bought an unspecified number of "video players", basically a screen with a preloaded video, loaded a fifteen-minute Jeb Bush documentary, and physically mailed it out to people. It was, at least, rechargeable, but presumaby not reusable or repurposable, because I'm betting that would defeat the only possible benefit of a physical Jeb Bush video mailer - providing Jeb Bush content on a platform that makes it impossible to switch away from Jeb Bush content.

Could they have saved a ton of money by mailing out a YouTube link? Sure, but YouTube would probably put up a Deadpool clip or a cat video in the right hand section and boom, nobody's sitting through fifteen minutes of Jeb. But with the video mailer, you spend five minutes watching it because you're wondering what the fuck it is, five minutes watching it wondering how long it's going to keep going, and five minutes watching because you really want to know if there's anything else on there. BOOM. Mission accomplished.

When asked about the cost, by the way, an anonymous source said that each mailer cost 'far less than a good bottle of Scotch", which, as comparisons go, is both ineffective and offputting. Which are the perfect adjectives to end this look at the Jeb campaign on.