Archive - Feb 12, 2016

Oregon Jailbirds

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Memo to the latest fallen candidates, Cliven Bundy, and Arizona: YOU ARE DUMB.

You don't need an intro, do you? I didn't think so. We're all adults here. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

First, of course, it's time to pay tribute to the fallen. Farewell to Carly Fiorina, who learned the lesson that Michelle Bachmann learned before her, just as, soon, Ben Carson will learn the lesson Herman Cain learned. Eventually, the Republican electorate will notice you're a woman. Or black. And they will stop supporting you. To the extent that they ever started supporting you. But don't worry, there are plenty of candidates left who can lie about Planned Parenthood. Kasich is still working to defund it in Ohio because of the horrible things they don't do.

And we must bid farewell to Chris Christie, who alienated conservatives by eschewing politics after Hurricane Sandy in an attempt to govern his state, and alienated everyone else during Bridgegate by eschewing governing his state in an attempt to score political points. But what really killed Chris Christie was that despite being a huge asshole, he was the third largest asshole in the race. Who needs Christie when you've got Trump and Cruz? Nobody. Especially not Marco Rubio.

The Oregon standoff is over, and contrary to my usual pessimism, it ended in quite literally the best of all possible ways. It ended peacefully. It ended with lots of live streamed video of the Oregon yahoos being ridiculous, and it ended with the arrest of Cliven Bundy. Who wasn't even part of it. How awesome is that?

See, the tree visited Portland in the hopes of helping the apple that didn't fall from him, because Apple, I mean Ammon, was arrested for his role in the Oregon standoff a few weeks ago. Well, there were a bunch of outstanding charges related to Daddy Bundy's OG standoff with the Feds a couple years ago. So now father and son have matching mugshots. I know what the 2016 Bundy family Christmas card is going to be!

And finally, a shout out to Arizona state representative Juan Mendez, and not for the usual reason I give shout-outs to state representatives. See, Juan Mendez is an atheist, and Juan Mendez exposed the hypocrisy at the heart of the blatantly religious invocations that many governing bodies use to open their sessions and meetings. Because in Arizona, you can't give one of those invocations if you're an atheist.

And this is why we're supposed to have separation of church and state, assholes. Mendez' invocation was denied because it didn't mention a "higher power". Ergo, belief in a higher power is apparently required to participate in an official activity of the Arizona state government, ergo theocracy. Which is an exaggeration, I know, but it's certainly a verification of the de facto theocratic background noise that's very difficult to get people to admit to, much less get rid of.