Archive - Oct 2016


October 20th

All Kinds Of Bombs

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Memo to the Trump campaign, Rudy Giuliani, and Donald Trump: YOU ARE DUMB.

How au courant is SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY this week? So up to the minute that it swerved mid-writing to cover stuff that was going on LAST NIGHT. If I could run a "BREAKING NEWS" banner across the bottom third of this column, I'd be tempted to.

If there's one takeaway from last night's debate is that Donald Trump is going to lose the election, and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. Hillary knows it. Trump knows it. Fox News pundits know it. Trump's campaign people know it. Even his most diehard supporters know it, they just won't admit to themselves that they know it. And while everyone is pointing at the "keep you in suspense over whether I'll accept the results" part of the debate, I think the big loser was something else.

It was when Hillary accused him of claiming the Emmys were rigged when he lost to The Amazing Race. Normally, in these debates, Trump would just deny that he said it, knowing that blatant, obvious counterfactualism hasn't given him any trouble in the past. But what he said on Wednesday wasn't a denial. What he said instead was, "Shoulda gotten it." Which is, as far as I'm concerned, the single dumbest thing Donald Trump has ever said. partly just on its own merits, and partly because HE'S IN HIS FINAL DEBATE RUNNING FOR FUCKING PRESIDENT. The light died in the eyes of the last holdouts, hoping beyond hope that the foam around Old Yeller's mouth didn't actually mean rabies. Now we just have to wait a couple weeks before he can be metaphorically taken behind the barn.

It's old news now, but I don't want to let Rudy Giuliani escape notice for his attempt to tell everyone Hillary Clinton didn't care about 9/11. And it's true, she doesn't care the way Giuliani cares, because she doesn't keep 9/11 locked in her basement, periodically feeding off of it to sustain her preternatural political life. But he said he was at Ground Zero on 9/11 and "didn't see her".

Of course, within 24 hours, everyone was pointing to a photo taken on 9/12 of Rudy and Hillary, side by side, at Ground Zero. And that unlike what Giuliani said, Clinton never claimed to be in New York on the day of the attack. Giuliani apologized, which must have grated on him, since he's spent the last six months believing, for some reason, that you could just make up mean shit about Hillary Clinton and get away with it. Oops.

I was gonna yell at the Logan trailer, and Hollywood in general, and society in general, for still having their collective dick hard for that one time Johnny Cash covered Nine Inch Nails, but then I saw like 90 seconds of Donald Trump trying to do jokety jokes at the Al Smith dinner as I was working on the column and, well, seriously, seek out some clips. Don't eat for like an hour beforehand, because you'll cramp up, but seek them out.

How bad was it? It was so bad it made Hillary seem naturalistic and funny. It was so bad it sounded like he had to learn his PAUSES phonetically. It was so bad 200 Amy Schumer supporters walked out mid-show. It's so bad that Marco Rubio watched it and said he was still going to vote for him. It was so bad the very concept of comedy itself just hired Gloria Allred to represent it. It was so bad Ann Coulter is sending him a fruit basket right now because thanks to him, her Rob Lowe Roast performance isn't the worst comedy moment of 2016.