Archive - Apr 3, 2015

Three Fresh Slices

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Memo to wingnuts, Jebus-freaks, and wingnut Jebus-freak pizza martyrs: YOU ARE DUMB.

Things have been moving quickly this week. A lot's happened just since Wednesday night's column-writing. And since there's no other way for you to get caught up on current events than this column, I feel it's vital that I bring you up to speed on SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, which, for the record, existed long before The Nightly Show did something similar before its break.

Hope you bought lots of stock in shitty Neville Chamberlain analogies when it hit rock bottom, because the US just made a diplomatic deal with Iran to halt their development of nuclear weapons, which means WE JUST APPEASED HITLER. AGAIN. WHEN WILL WE LEARN TO STOP DOING THAT?

Of course, we all know what's really happening here. The deal, which is better than most people anticipated, is a win for Obama, and that cannot be acknowledged. It's also a victory for not blowing up brown people, and that cannot be acknowledged. Tell you what. If we get to use the worst example of diplomacy ever to promote war, then how about we use the worst example of war ever to promote diplomacy. What's that? You can't pick a worst example out of the last 50 years of American military intervention? Funny how that works.

Also yesterday, Indiana, which passed a reprehensible anti-gay religious freedom law to great uproar, and Arkansas, which was about to do the same thing until they saw Indiana take it square in the face for a week, passed "fixed" versions of the law that make it clear that they're not intended to enable anti-gay discrimination.

Now, normally, there would be reason to be concerned that these "fixes" were a trick, an end run to say they'd solved the problem and get everyone off their asses while still letting them get away with hating on gay people. But that's what the original bills were. And that didn't work. And so they had to stop lying to our side and presumably start lying to the pro-family groups that originally pushed for, if not outright wrote, the original bills. It should be easier this time. That audience is much dumber.

And on a related note, shut up about the fucking pizza parlor. They were dumb enough to say, in front of cameras, that the new law that allegedly wouldn't let them discriminate against gay people would totally embolden them to discriminate against gay people and refuse to cater gay weddings. I don't know who caters weddings with delivery pizza from a local hole-in-the-wall pizza place in the first place, but the point is, they were assholes in public and their business suffered as a result.

And in the grand tradition of wingnut welfare, a crowdfunding campaign on, I guess, CrossBurner has already raised over $120,000 for them, which means the market has spoken. Hate gay people in public, make a tidy profit without even having to sell shitty pizza. That strikes me about as far away from the idea of "victims" as you can get.