Archive - Sep 2013

September 24th

Flipping Gasbag

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Memo to Ted Cruz: DOES THIS SHIT REALLY WORK?

I know that teabagger voters are fucking morons. I mean, you're a goddamned Senator. That doesn't happen to a guy like Ted Cruz without a broad base of the clinically stupid backing you up.

But yesterday, Cruz ended a record-setting week of insanity with a prearranged, rambling fake "filibuster" against Obamacare in which he vowed to speak until he could no longer stand, but actually spoke until he'd previously told Harry Reid he'd stop speaking, by all accounts. It was a speech full of gems, and is thus rife for this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Look, most Americans could not give a flying flip about a bunch of politicians in Washington. Who cares? You know, almost all of us are in cheap suits with bad haircuts. Who cares? What the American people care about is their own lives." - Cruz, after trying to mock the anonymous aides who've savaged him in the press for the past week.

Now, I know the Senate is reputed to be a deliberative, serene, intelligent body where one does not throw around F-bombs. But in the past week, Cruz has been described as ball-less, blueless, and someone even John McCain "fucking hates". After a week in which everyone, Cruz included, has made it eminently clear that all anyone cares about is politicians in their cheap suits and bad haircuts yelling at each other, suddenly pretending it's not about you, and using the phrase "flying flip", is pretty flipping desperate, you weaselly motherflipper.

Also, while you'll probably get away with it with your base, claiming it's not about you in the middle of your staged moment of staged bravery is a fucking joke. You're stage-fighting against Obamacare because you've trained your constituents to demand it even when you've lost on it every single time it's been fought over in the past three years. You've created a monster that equates "admitting you've lost" with "losing", and you're just trying to save face with the tinfoil tricorner brigade. Good luck.

"If you go to the 1940s, Nazi Germany, look, we saw in Britain, Neville Cha..." - Ted Cruz, doing that thing.

I'm not even finishing the quote. Fuck it. I probably could have stopped it after "Nazi". I don't understand why Republicans are so against gay marriage. They could utilize their own slippery slope arguments, and eventually, live in sweet marital bliss with the Neville Chamberlain analogies they clearly love more than their wives and children.

Not everything is appeasing Hitler. That one time that guy appeased Hitler? That was appeasing Hitler. Not supporting a last-ditch PRETEND effort to "defund" a program that can't even technically be defunded isn't appeasing Hitler, it's appeasing a bunch of inbred fuckers who photoshop Hitler mustaches onto anybody they don't like. Even Neville Chamberlain wasn't dumb enough to do that.

"So we get to Obamacare. What do all those voices say? Can't be stopped, you can't win. Cannot defund it. Mr. President, by any measure, Obamacare is a far less intimidating foe than those that I have discussed, with the possible exception of the moon. The moon might be as intimidating as Obamacare." - Ted Cruz, declaring war on the moon.

OK, not really. What he was trying to do, in his clumsy-ass, Mr. Smith Arranges A Package Tour Of Washington On Orbitz kind of way, was that Americans have done many difficult things, like defeating the Nazis and going to the moon, and why shouldn't defunding Obamacare be any different?

Well, if you're gathering a team of people to accomplish a difficult thing, you get strategists and generals, or you get engineers and rocket scientists. You don't get a ragtag bunch of morons supported by an even larger group of morons. That way lies madness.

Also, it's probably worth checking to see if your Great American Undertaking Against Adversity is actually, you know, a good idea. Obamacare's not great, but it is less shitty than the current status quo, and Ted Cruz and his compatriots know damn well that people are now about a week away from starting to find that out.

So shake your fist at the moon, Ted Cruz. Make your stand on the Senate floor and give the echo chamber a chance to salute your bravery and forget that, a week ago, you were one of "those voices" saying Obamacare couldn't be defunded. After all, accountability is just a word your constituents can't define, pronounce, or spell.