Archive - Aug 2013

August 21st

Wackiness Continues To Ensue

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Memo to Pat Robertson, Allen West, and Michele Bachmann: YOU ARE DUMB.

Yesterday, we had to be sad and frustrated at the stupid. So today, I think, we need a good laugh. So I'm digging deep to find the most ludicrous quotes in the Pile O' Research and present them to you for purposes of the chuckling at the IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"Ladies and gentlemen, our children are at risk... They're bulimic. There's anorexia. There's all kinds of demonic games they play. It used to be 'Dungeons & Dragons.' They've got some new ones now. The pressure on them is just incredible." - Pat Robertson, on The 700 Club, which, seriously people, how is this still a thing going on? How have audience fragmentation and average mortality rates not put this thing out of our misery?

Congratulations, Dungeons and Dragons! Either Pat Robertson doesn't think you're a demonic game anymore, or he thinks the kids don't play you anymore, and either way, you're off the hook for causing teen suicides, which, by the way, was the topic under discussion when he said this.

So what's the demonic game all the kids are playing? A lot of people would guess World of Warcraft, or maybe, even more literally, Diablo III, but I'm betting it's Angry Birds. I mean, what kind of message does that game spend to our kids, to fling yourself against structure and order to create maximum chaos? You know who else flung himself against the perfect order of Heaven? LUCIFER. The angriest bird of all.

"Having served in the US Army for 22 years alongside some very brave men and women, I find Lady Gaga's defiling of our National Anthem reprehensible. We are the land of the free because America has always been the home of the brave from Lexington and Concord to Kandahar. This young lady should be taken to Ft. McHenry and given a history lesson as to why Francis Scott Key wrote those words incredible words." - Our old friend Allen West, pretending to be relevant.

Oh, Allen West. You took something that was old a couple of years ago - giving a shit about something Lady Gaga did - and combined it with something that was old a couple of decades ago - giving a shit about an entertainer doing something to the National Anthem - and combined them, thinking we'd give a shit about Allen West. Nope.

For the record, Gaga changed the last word from "brave" to "gay" at the New York Pride Parade, in an event so not momentous that I didn't know why West was mad at Gaga for months, because he's the only one that seems to have cared about this.

I assume West will take her to Fort McHenry, and give her that history lesson by putting a gun near her head and firing it, since that's his only real skill.

"It's my prediction that the House Republicans could put themselves in a position where they could actually lose the gavel in 2014. Because I think the president—even by executive order—can again wave his magic wand before 2014, and he'd say now, all of the new legal Americans are going to have voting rights. Why do I say that? He did it in 2012! Do you remember, he—anyone who was here as a Latina under, uh, age 30, he said 'You get to vote!' What? He decides you get to vote? This is working for the president. It's not working for the American people, but it's—hey, it's great by him, he has a perpetual magic wand and nobody's given him a spanking yet and taken it out of his hand. That's what Congress needs to do, give the president a major wake-up call, and the way we spank the president is we do it through the checkbook. We're the ones who say, 'No, you can't have the money!' What's wrong with us? - Michele "Not Gone Yet" Bachmann, doing what she does best - making everything up except any damn sense.

We're laughing today, so we're going to focus on her impending unemployment, and not point out that the answer to "what's wrong with us" is "four terms and a gracious retirement" for certain congresscritters.

I have to admit, it was clever of Obama to allow Latinas under 30 to vote in 2012, though. That was a fucking masterstroke.