Archive - Aug 2013

August 14th

Status Quo Safely Maintained

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Memo to Marsha Blackburn, Joseph Sincavage, and David Brooks: YOU ARE DUMB.

Over time, in this space, certain groups have developed a reputation for providing copious amounts of The Dumb. And while I hate to perpetuate stereotypes, apparently representatives of Tennessee, Obama opponents, and white pundits LOVE IT. Otherwise, why would these IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS?

"You know, I’ve always said that I didn’t want to be given a job because I was a female, I wanted it because I was the most well-qualified person for the job. And making certain that companies are going to move forward in that vein — that is what women want. They don’t want the decisions made in Washington." - Tennessee Representative Marsha Blackburn, maintaining the reputation of her state.

Representative Blackburn was explaining her opposition to pay fairness legislation. See, Blackburn believes women should be glad to be the most qualified person for the job, and not the recipient of charity. And if you give them as much money as a man, clearly they'll see it as charity.

The point is, women don't want government deciding they should make as much as a man. They want to leave it to the private sector to decide they should make less. That's just capitalism at work. So I suggest we first pay Blackburn in proportion to her merit, then dock her an extra 22% because she's a chick. That way, she can take the Food Stamp Challenge every week!

"I didn’t realize people would take it as offensive. I have no animosity toward Jewish people. They too are being given an unfair deal by President Obama. The founder of my religion was a Jew.” - Joseph Sincavage, upholding the reputation of rabid Teabaggers.

The thing that people are taking as offensive, by the way, is a Nazi flag he's flying next to the American flag because he thinks Obama's a Nazi. He's promised to clear up the confusion about his anti-Semitism by flying an Israeli flag as well, and that way, everyone can just realize he's a crazy fucking idiot.

Leave it to a teabagger to not understand how flags work. The guy flies an American flag, because he supports America. He flies the Marine flag, because he supports the Marine Corps. He's buying an Israeli flag to show that he supports Jews. And he flies a Vatican flag, because, I suppose, he likes fucking altar boys. But we're all supposed to understand that he flies a Nazi flag, not because he supports National Socialism, but because he opposes it, and he thinks Obama is a socialist? This is why God hates flags.

"It’s not that Egypt doesn’t have a recipe for a democratic transition. It seems to lack even the basic mental ingredients." - New York Times columnist David Brooks, upholding the condescendingly racist attitudes of elite white pundits.

I've been following the pundit class in general, and David Brooks in particular, for the better part of a decade, and believe me, the last thing any of them should be doing is talking about who does, and who does not, lack the basic mental ingredients for a task. If political commentary was a cake, David Brooks would be a burnt scum of baking soda and egg whites on the bottom of a makeshift cardboard pan.

I don't know how much the Times pays Brooks to pad "The darkies are uncivilized" into a thousand words, but maybe they should fire him and buy a bunch of Nerf dart guns for the office or some whoopie cushions or something else that would up the intellectual to faux-intellectual ratio by a few points.