Archive - Aug 6, 2013

How Very Seagal Of Him

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Memo to Steve King: WE HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS, YOU AND I.

Last week, we discussed Steve King, former America's Stupidest Congresscritter, and his attempts to regain his championship by claiming that for every Latino "valedictorian", which is code for "smart one", there are a hundred skinny ones with "calves the size of cantaloupes" from hauling "75 pounds of marijuana" over the border.

But as we all know here at You Are Dumb, the stupid thing is only the beginning. The real joy comes afterward, when the dummy dum dum has to defend the stupid thing he said, or deny he said it, or apologize "if anyone was offended", or, more and more frequently, all three. So, how did Steve King respond when everyone, even Republican leadership, said he was fucking insane? Let's start with the classic GOP persecution complex.

"As you remember, Mr. Speaker, the high priest said to Jesus, did you really say those things? Did you really preach those things? And Jesus said to the high priest, as the Jews were watching, ask them. They were there, they can tell you. That was, Mr. Speaker, the assertion by Jesus that he had a right to face his accusers. That principle remains today in our law that we have a right to face our accusers." - King, on the floor of the House.

Gee, why would Steve King want to tell the Speaker of the House, who'd denounced King to the media, how important it was to Jesus that he face his accusers, and not have them accuse him of stuff behind his back? When he was just speaking the truth? I'm not sure I can fully follow King's metaphor in all it's I'M JUST LIKE JESUS DAMMIT subtlety.

I do think it's extra bonus classy of King to compare himself to Jesus after getting in trouble for comments about a group of people frequently named Jésus. I wonder what size the Savior's calves were after hauling that 75-pound cross around.

Of course, you can't pretend to be persecuted all the time. Unless you're the National Organization for Marriage. Sometimes, you have to go on offense. And when everyone else says you don't know what you're talking about, the way to judo that shit is to insist that you are the one with the secret knowledge and your detractors are the clueless ones. Case in point:

"That description comes from many days down on the border, riding and sitting with the border patrol and without them at night, no night vision, watching the shadows come across the border, picking people up personally with my hands, unloading illegal drugs out of a vehicle with a false bottom under the truck. I mean this is a personal experience and I sit there at night and border patrol agents would come to me one at a time in their civil clothes and talk to me clandestinely…This description is the description from that kind of experience.” - King, on Laura Ingraham's radio show.

Which raises an important question. Why is Steve King, who I must remind you is incompetently representing the midwestern state of IOWA, spending that many nights helping to guard the Mexican border? I mean, maybe if he weren't staying up all night, staring at shadows on the border and having individual border agents talk to him one by one in secret and unofficially to tell him how big Mexicans' calves are, maybe he wouldn't be so deeply fucking awful at his job.

Sleep deprivation is proven to cause hallucinations. Just saying.

Steve King wants you to believe that what he's saying isn't outrageous, it's what he's seen with his own two eyes in the dark without night vision goggles, and was then told in private confidence by border patrol agents who wanted to make sure no other border patrol agents heard them telling him that. And if you find that even remotely questionable, then, well, you're not a Steve King voter. You have a half-dozen working brain cells.