Archive - Aug 2, 2013

Three Shitbags, No Waiting

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Memo to CNN, Jan Brewer, and good old Ben Shapiro: YOU ARE DUMB.

You know what? Yesterday's column was long, so today's intro will be short. It's Friday. Three things. One column. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

CNN is bringing back "Crossfire", a show that is literally most famous for the episode where the guest told the hosts how horrible "Crossfire" is. Some people would wonder why CNN would do this, but these people haven't watched CNN in a while and don't realize CNN is awful and does horrible, pointless things. It's become their brand.

To host, they've brought in Newt Gingrich on the right, and Van Jones on the left, which just goes to show you that they have every intention of making the new Crossfire as awful as the old one. Because while I don't dislike Van Jones, he has only one role CNN is interested in - to get wingnuts' blood pressure up because VAN JONES. And, of course, fuck Newt Gingrich.

But the best part? What Crossfire did when it did it? All of cable news does that every day, frequently in eight different fucking split-screen boxes. This is like Microsoft trying to regain tablet market share by putting Windows 95 on the Surface. We've all moved on.


I've mentioned the politics of spite before, and it's not an idea I came up with. It's just an incredibly apropos name for what the right practices on a regular basis. Cross them, and you get punished. Do something they disagree with, and they will use every trick in the book to undermine it. It is both maddening that they do it, and maddeninger that their opponents are so bad at it.

Case in point, Arizona. Arizona, like many of our shitty states, is not a uniform, homogenized mass of suck. It contains high-suck-density areas, low suck-density-areas, and of course, the suck singularity known to locals as "Sheriff Joe".

Some of those low-suck-density areas were doing gun buyback programs, where police buy guns back from owners and destroy them. Now, Arizona already had laws on the books that said police have to sell guns they seize from criminals, because GUNZ IZ AWESOME*. But the municipalities argued that the law didn't apply to gun buybacks, which are of course intended to reduce the total number of guns in circulation.

So Arizona passed another law, and Jan Brewer signed it. And now, Arizona municipalities can only do gun redistribution programs, where one person gets rid of a gun and another person gets one. Which would be a classic example of a time-wasting zero-sum game, except, of course, Arizonans can, and do, also buy guns from other places. Which makes Arizona the perfect Republican state, because all they want is more guns and fewer brown people, and have implemented the necessary policies to eventually ensure both.


When there was a brief conservative freakout over the new Hub cartoon "SheZow", you can bet that America's young, with-it Church Lady, Ben Shapiro, was right on top of it.

See, the premise of SheZow is that a young boy gets transformative superpowers in the vein of Billy Batson, but instead of turning into a beefy grownup man, he turns into a crime-fighting girl. This has led Shapiro, among others on the right, to claim that SheZow is a "transgender" cartoon, once again proving that their ability to understand modern gender identity stopped decades before we as a society started recognizing modern gender identity.

A boy who magically turns into a girl and back again isn't transgender, transsexual, or a transvestite. He's not gay, bi, or bi-curious. He's a boy who magically turns into a girl and back again. In a cartoon. Sometimes he's one gender, sometimes he's the other, and from the discrepancy comes comedy. Not indoctrination, not propaganda. Just comedy. It's not coming out of the mouth-hole of a racist puppet, but that doesn't make it "not comedy", it just makes it "not funny to you".

*Those of you who follow me on Twitter should know that I understand the implied contradiction re: late Thursday morning and accept it.