Archive - Aug 12, 2013

Sliding Down: The Banister

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Memo to Stephanie Banister: YOU'RE NOT AUSTRALIA'S SARAH PALIN.

You're Australia's Sarah Bachmann.

Now, right off the bat, I'd like to apologize to the readership. I know many of you read the column at the start of your day, and starting your day with the mental image of a half-Palin, half-Bachmann hybrid beast can not be pleasant. But Banister really does reflect the worst of both of America's most famous awful women in politics.

Like Palin, she says stupid shit that isn't accurate. Like Bachmann, she says stupid shit that isn't accurate. Like Bachmann, her stupid shit comes from a paranoid, somewhat racist place. Like Palin, when she says stupid shit, she reinforces the image of her being an intellectual lightweight and people actually notice. Here's what they noticed. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I don't oppose Islam as a country but, um, I do feel their laws should not be welcome here in Australia."

Islam, of course, is not a country. But we can forgive her that gaffe. I mean, she's a member of the One Nation Party, which is a cross between the British National Party, which is openly racist, and the Tea Party, which hides its racism behind an anti-tax agenda. One Nation promotes pro-white policies while steadfastly denying that it's racist.

But here's the thing. If you're saying you don't oppose Islam as [an entity], odds are you've said some shit or done some shit in the past that make people think you do, in fact, oppose Islam as [an entity]. And she's got that in bucketloads. Fucking bucketloads. Like, Michele Bachmann wishes she were this anti-Muslim.

How anti-Muslim? She's currently facing charges of contaminating or interfering with goods for going into a supermarket and putting stickers, purchased from fellow One Nation politicians, on food. The stickers say "BEWARE: Halal food funds terrorism", which would be like placing a sign on the door of Cracker Barrel that says "BEWARE: Biscuits and Gravy Support The Klan".

Banister, asked about her views of halal food, repeatedly confused the terms "halal", "haram", and "Quran", because she's a fucking idiot who learned everything she knows about one of the world's biggest religions from her crazy xenophobic friends. Oh, did I say "one"? I meant "two".

"Jews aren't under haram, they have their own religion which follows Jesus Christ." - Banister, explaining why her problems with halal don't extend to the virtually identical rules for kosher.

It pains me to say this, but that's actually dumber than "someone told me the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation". That's very, very stupid. Also dumber than Palin's reading of all the newspapers. We're venturing into Allen West / Victoria Jackson territory here.

But she does have two other things in common with Palin. First, she's quit. She's not running for whatever it was she was running for, which, in all the stories I read, was described in terms that would only make sense to members of Men At Work.

And, of course, she's blamed the media for "twisting her words", and, I shit you not, making her look like a "stupid moron". Which is kind of redundant, but I suppose when you're Stephanie Banister dumb, two epithets is one and one is none.

Of course, the interview went viral in video format, so unless an unedited video appears with her prefacing all her statements with Aisha Tyler reading "things a koala-fucking rampaging white Christian supremacist would say" off a card she pulled out of a hat, claims of media manipulation are even less credible than Palin's. Which is an impressive feat of political limbo, which, coincidentally, is where I expect Banister to end up once the laughter dies down.