Archive - 2012

December 19th

Piling On

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Memo to Steve King, Tom Morrissey, and Megan McArdle: YOU ARE DUMB.

I promise, only one part of this column is going to be about Sandy Hook, and then I should, barring future events, be done. When you see what quote I pull, you'll know why. You may already know why from the list of names. It is truly an epic case of an IDIOT SAYING THE DAMNDEST THING.

“I believe that it’s a lot bigger than Watergate, and if you link Watergate and Iran-Contra together and multiply it times maybe 10 or so, you’re going to get in the zone where Benghazi is,” Mr. King said. “I don’t think the public has any idea, and I tell you, I don’t either, of the chronology of the events — what took place, and who was where doing what and why. And all the way down through — we still haven’t seen an autopsy report on the ambassador yet. Simple questions that you would ask in the first 24 hours have not been asked yet.” - Steve King, A.S.C., keeping hope alive.

Benghazi Fever! Catch It!

Now that Susan Rice is out of the running for Secretary of State thanks to pretend made-up stuff about Benghazi, the whole thing's done. The right has their head and now they'll shut up about it and get to work compromising and solving problems and wait a second that's not only not how it's going in this case it's not a way it's ever gone ever.

For fuck's sake, John Bolton, a.k.a. Wilford Brimley from the gold-vest-and-goatee universe, decided that Hillary Clinton faked her fainting and concussion to get out of testifying about Benghazi.

And Steve King has no idea of the chronology of the events, but he knows it's worse than Watergate and Iran-Contra combined, because it has to be, because dammit, if we don't catch a Democrat in a scandal worse than Watergate and Iran-Contra combined, then the two biggest scandals in recent political history will be Republican ones, and they'll never restore balance to the Force, or something.

“My issue isn’t whether he was born here. I have questions [about Obama’s longform birth certificate]. … You know, I have a law enforcement background. I come at this with a little different perspective. It just doesn’t ring right with me.” - Arizona Republican and Electoral College delegate Tom Morrissey, making no fucking sense.

This is what happens when you feed a complete fucking idiot two decades of media coverage focusing on process rather than meaning. A birther who thinks Obama was born in America.

I mean, he has problems with Obama's fake birth certificate that makes him question Obama's eligibility to be President, sure. But his issue isn't about whether he was born here. It's some other issue affecting presidential eligibility that can only be covered up with a fake birth certificate. Clearly, Tom Morrissey's law enforcement background has led him to believe that Barack Obama is 34 years old.

"I'd also like us to encourage people to gang rush shooters, rather than following their instincts to hide; if we drilled it into young people that the correct thing to do is for everyone to instantly run at the guy with the gun, these sorts of mass shootings would be less deadly, because even a guy with a very powerful weapon can be brought down by 8-12 unarmed bodies piling on him at once. Would it work? Would people do it? I have no idea; all I can say is that both these things would be more effective than banning rifles with pistol grips. - Megan McArdle in The Daily Beast, being that day's beast.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. The solution is not to give the guy with the very powerful weapon fewer bullets in his clip, because that would be some pansy liberal solution that might take away, as the fine manufacturers of the Bushmaster .223 put it in their 2010 ad, gun owners' "man card".

No, the solution is to throw more bodies at him than the extended capacity clip can shoot all at once. Obviously, when the targets are six-year-olds, we'll need more of them to make up the extra required mass, but that's a small price to pay to maintain the loosest possible interpretation of the Second Amendment, and will, eventually, help us gt those pesky classroom sizes under control. Thanks, Megan!