Archive - Sep 2012

September 28th

One Romney-Free Day At A Time

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Memo to Tennessee, Chuck Grassley, and, hey, Tennessee again: YOU ARE NOT MITT ROMNEY.

Six weeks to go until the election, and my research pile is a microcosm of the Republican Party. It's all about Mitt Romney's fuckups, and I'm desperate for something else to change the conversation to. I want to keep four days a week relatively Romney-free, but fuck, the man does not make it easy.

That said, I think I can find three non-Romney things to talk about for SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, especially if I dig down deep enough. So let's get to it.

Tennessee! Dumbest state in the Union. Always has been, and unless a tanker full of the Flowers for Algernon drug crashes into a reservoir, always will be. Where else would the state Republicans publicly rebuke their own Republican governor for being insufficiently Islamophobic, homophobic, and paranoid? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"According to the Tennessean on January 15, 2012, Governor Haslam admitted to retaining 85% of the Democrat Governor Phil Bredesen’s Executive Service Employees. One of the latest Executive Service Employees has included Samar Ali, an expert in Shariah Compliant Finance which is one of the many ways Islamic terrorism is funded. She is also a one-time Obama appointee and her family has a long history of supporting the Democrat Party... Allowed and retained openly homosexuals to make policy decisions in the Department of Children’s Services.

- Text of a resolution proposed by Tennessee Republicans.

They're all mad because Governor Bill Haslam didn't undertake a full and complete purge when he took office, firing the Muslim for being a Muslim and therefore a terrorist, and firing the gay people for being gay people because they molest children. Which should probably be illegal, but it's Tennessee, so who the fuck knows.

Back in July, the USDA got in trouble for encouraging their employees, on their website, to reduce their environmental impact by participating in "Meatless Mondays". Because meat production is more harmful to the environment than vegetable production.

The fact that they got in trouble, and had to walk back the statement because the USDA is apparently a wholly owned subsidiary of the beef industry, is bad enough. But of course, the Party of Spite couldn't stop there.

Iowa senator Chuck Grassley, famous for not being able to spell the word "meat" if he's on Twitter, and Texas imbecile Jim Cornyn, staged a "Meat Monday", dedicated to eating extra meat to make up the environmental damage prevented by anyone who might have followed the USDA's hastily-retracted advice.

This is why all these Third Way, Project Purple, post-partisan future motherfuckers are such horrible people. They think that an ideological divide between "maybe go vegetarian for one seventh of the week to slow the death of the planet" and "Fuck you, I'm ordering a TRIPLE Whopper, you hippie faggots!" is best settled by splitting the difference between the two "extremes".

And finally, a shout out to the Tennessee Tea Party Nation, who, by virtue of being the Tea Party in Tennessee, are mathematically the stupidest people in the entire country. And speaking of math...

Back in 2010, they reserved over 1,600 rooms for a planned convention at a Vegas hotel, planning to charge $400 a person for a convention there. Then they postponed it, trying to find Tennessee teabaggers with four hundred spare bucks. Then they cancelled it, leaving the hotel on the hook for half a million dollars.

The hotel sued, and in August, an activist judge said the Tea Party Nation had to pay, plus interest. The total? $748,000. But don't feel bad for them. I've been listening to their rhetoric for a while, and it turns out they're all hard-working, upstanding Americans who have the kind of can-do spirit to earn money without help from the government. So I'm sure they'll be fine.