Archive - Jul 2012

The Feel-Good Toxin Of The Year

« July 2012 »


The concept of "elitism" would be the greatest practical joke ever played on morons if so many people weren't such fucking morons. Imagine if Larry The Cable Guy weren't an actual heroic hick, but just a guy named Dan who dressed up as a hick to take the money of stupid people?

OK. Bad example. But you see what I'm saying. Millions of stupid people trained by political operatives to resent and hate anything which smacks of even an unsloped, medium-height brow, rife for exploitation by their betters. It wouldn't be NICE, but it sure would be funny.

Sadly, it doesn't work that way. There's just a lot of shit, and a lot of shitty people, and sometimes all the shitty people decide they like the same shit and we get 50 Shades of Grey. And sometimes all the shitty people ignore the same shit, and then another, even shittier person gets to call them elitists.

Which brings us to a sort-of recent article that caught my eye, entitled "Why The Elite Hate Adam Sandler". Yes, you read that right. It initially appeard in "CityArts", a publication that bills itself as "New York's Review of Culture", which makes me wonder how the fuck Big Hollywood found it to excerpt it, because they hate New York, they hate culture, and having skimmed many of their movie reviews, they fucking well hate reviewing whether they know it or not.

As an elite AND an elitist, not to be a spokesman for the elite or anything, but I don't hate Adam Sandler. I have fond memories of some of his SNL work. But there's no denying he's been Hollywood's lower colon for a few years now. He was responsible for what were easily two of the worst movies of last year. Not liking "Jack and Jill" and "Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star" (which Sandler co-wrote) isn't a matter of elitism. Nobody liked those movies. Except, apparently, Armond White. ACTUAL PREMISE TIME!

"If you didn’t get the Memo to hate Adam Sandler, his new movie That’s My Boy would seem another likable, if minor, entry in his continuing series of unexpectedly challenging human comedies. The anti-Sandler Memo is a follow-the-leader pact–not literally a missive but an unconscious social ideology that protects Hollywood’s status quo. It perverts honest, healthy response to Sandler whose comic tendency is to affront the status quo in film after film. His spoofing of political correctness and middle-brow propriety is the real reason behind all the haterade which became ridiculous after last year‘s ingenious, heartfelt Jack and Jill provoked an endless backlash of unprecedented lunacy."

No, really. He actually said that. The whole thing! My fellow elitists, allow me to issue a literal missive. A memo, if you will, to hate eating rat poison. Our follow the leader pack will pervert the body's honest, healthy response to arsenic, whose tendency is to affront the status quo of organ after organ. Rat poison's spoofing of "nutritional correctness" and middle-brow not-poison-eating is the real reason behind all the "don't eat this" warnings. Then Armond White can pretend to enjoy rat poison quesadillas for as long as he can stop foaming out of every orifice.

Anyway, it goes on about how you'd expect, with faux-scholarly analysis of why people REALLY hate Sandler movies, because any true, objective judgment would find them enlightening and thoughtful explorations of modern culture.

And then White claims that another victim of the same mentality is Eddie Murphy, and I start to wonder if the whole thing is a put-on. But no. A quick perusal of the site includes bylines by known moron Jay Nordlinger, a piece by Armond White on why Christopher Nolan is responsible for the Dark Knight shootings, and a lot of generalized ramblings that put the lie to the idea of self-parody.

The things I endure to make sure you people don't catch me mocking some three-year-old parody site, I swear to fuck.

Oh, and for the record, White hated Ted, so I guess the elitist memo against middle-brow crude comedies only extends to some of them. But consistency is the hobgoblin of functioning minds, as a wise man probably should have said once.