Archive - Apr 2012

Date

April 20th

Tar Me Baby One More Time

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Memo to Michelle Bachmann, Ted Nugent, and the Secret Service: YOU ARE DUMB.

The thing that constantly amazes me, as I cruise the HOV lanes of the Information Superhighway in search of column fodder and tortured metaphors, it's the enduring popularity of awful, awful people. And I don't just mean people who say, believe, or do awful things, although that's clearly part of it. I mean people who are wildly incompetent at it. We saw this with Allen West on Wednesday. West has made a clusterfuck out of calling liberals communists. I mean, this is a task that Victoria Jackson can pull off. It's been part of the playbook for generations. But West fucked it up. And they'll love him even more for it, because conservatives never make mistakes, they just piss off the liberal media elites! This, by the way, is the theme that will sort of tie together... two thirds of this week's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

Michele Bachmann dropped the T-B bomb yesterday. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"This is just about waving a tar baby in the air and saying that something else is a problem. I have never seen a more irresponsible president who is infantile in the way that he continually blames everyone else for his failure to first diagnose the problem and second to address the problem.”

Now, "tar baby" is one of those plausible deniability slurs. It's a euphemism for a sticky situation that has racial overtones thanks to origin and usage and such. The usual "tar baby" path is that an old white guy says it because he heard it growing up, finds out people think it's offensive, and gets off with a mild, strained apology. But Bachmann's different. First, she doesn't really have the required background to accidentally throw around "tar baby", and second, she used it completely wrong.

Nobody "waves around a tar baby" in order to blame other people for stuff. That's nowhere near what it means. It's blatantly obvious that somehow, Batshit seized on the term as the kind of thing hippies get worked up over, decided to drop it into conversation, and botched the ever-loving fuck out of it, because she's incompetent at being awful. I mean, first she said "tar baby", then she called Obama "infantile". There's a pretty clear racist through-line in the semantics.

And you know this because the followup explanation is awful:

"Bachmann spokeswoman Becky Rogness says in a Thursday email that Bachmann made a point about Obama's understanding of oil prices that has 'nothing to do with race.' Instead, Rogness says Obama 'has gotten himself into a sticky situation.'" - various news reports.

You can't actually use that explanation to parse what Bachmann said, because she USED TAR BABY WRONG. Obama got himself into a sticky situation by... waving a sticky situation around? No. Batshit tried to be provocative and edgy and failed miserably.


Speaking of being provocative and failing miserably, Ted Nugent, ladies and gentlemen!

The Nuge was at the NRA convention, because, well, Ted Nugent practically IS an NRA convention. And he said that, if Obama gets re-elected, within the year he'd either be in jail or dead. Some people interpreted this to mean that he'd try to kill the president, because, well, "in jail or dead" are pretty much the only two options for an attempted assassin.

The Secret Service is investigating, because they have to investigate. That's how they make their hooker money. But the rest of us shouldn't be focusing on this. Did Nugent mean he was going to try to kill the president? Or did he mean the president would try to lock him up or kill him, Waco-style? IT DOESN'T MATTER. What matters is, a year after Obama is (hopefully) re-elected, Ted Nugent will neither be in jail or dead.

Because obviously, Obama's not going to lead a task force to remove the weapons from the Nugebunker. And just as obviously, Nugent, like all Teabag Revolutionaries, is a fucking pussy. He's not going to do anything. He's going to sit on his ranch and shoot deer and shoot targets and shoot off his mouth and drink another beer and wonder why nobody will enact his libertarian fucking utopia already, goddammit. THe only difference between him and dozens of other right-wing bloggers is that Nugent has gotten paid for legitimate work in his lifetime. Otherwise, they're all talk, no action.


And speaking of Secret Service hookers...

Look. I don't know exactly what the rules are for what Secret Service guys do in their spare time, but I'm not really upset that they got some hookers when they were in a country with legal prostitution. I'm certainly not surprised. At the end of the day, most of them are bodyguards, a career path that, like law enforcement and private security, inherently attracts a certain percentage of douchey dirtbags.

But where I get cranky is that they stiffed a hooker. After, presumably, stiffing the hooker. Like any service industry job, Colombian prostitution is generally low-paying, demeaning, and unpleasant. Don't try to rip them off. Especially if you're trying to pull off your South of the Border south-of-the-border with even the tiniest modicum of discretion. Because you short the hooker, the hooker understandably makes a scene. Hooker makes a scene, the authorities get involved. And once the authorities get involved, all the people who were previously willing to keep their yaps shut and look the other way while the guys in the suits and earpieces sample the local coochure start talking.

And then we hear about it, and then we have to talk about it, and except for the jokes about someone yelling "GUN" when they really mean "PENIS", it's not fun for anybody. So pay your hookers, kids. And maybe give them a tip. No, the other kind of tip.