Archive - Mar 2012


March 23rd

Shaken, Not Stirred

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Memo to Eric Fehrnstrom, the Florida Family Association, and my news feed: YOU ARE DUMB.

No theme, no unifying concept, no nothing. I'm probably behind on like three DrawSomething turns right now* ** ***, so I need to get right the fuck into it. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

We've gotta talk the Etch A Sketch thing. Where the fuck did Mitt Romney find Eric Fehrnstrom, and which Arby's will Fehrnstrom be working at next week? I'm in the mood for some curly fries. If you didn't notice, and how could you not notice, Fehrnstrom committed the cardinal sin of campaign spokesmen. He told the truth.

Everyone knows Romney ran as a moderate to win elections in Massachusetts. Everyone also knows that Romney has been running way, way, WAY to the right in his attempt to fend off, of all people, Rick Santorum, in a primary battle that has pitted Man On Dog against Dog On Car. Everyone also knows that Romney is going to pull back on the crazy after he gets the nomination and runs in the general, because that's how politics works. You suck up to your base more than the other guys from your own party to get the nomination, then you turn your back on them because no way are they going to vote for a black socialist black Muslim black Democrat blackity black black in November.

But Eric Fehrnstrom, soon to be former Romney campaign spokesman, not only admitted this outright on CNN, he did so using a metaphor inherently compelling to the Republican base and the Republican candidates. Mainly on account of it being simple, capable of limited movement, seeing everything in black and white, and consisting of nothing but knobs. The Etch-A-Sketch. Romney will just shake the Etch A Sketch after the primary and start fresh, Fehrnstrom explained, to one of the media outlets that's been complicit in that very bit of political theater for decades. Oops.

But the best part? Romney's excuse. That Fehrnstrom was only talking about the campaign "organization", not the policy stuff. Which (a) doesn't make sense in the context of the question being asked, which was specifically about the policy stuff, and (b) doesn't make any sense in any other context either. I haven't had this much fun watching a news cycle explode in months.

Since I spent yesterday talking about Mass Effect 3, a game in which you can, by the way, engage in awkward, polygonal sex with one or more of your teammates, male and/or female, I thought I'd follow up by mentioning that various pro-family groups are shitting themselves over Star Wars: The Old Republic, a game by the same company that lets you do the same thing, only it's Star Wars, so I guess your penis glows different colors depending on whether you're good or evil.

Anyway, it's a video game, which means it's being played by children, albeit children with a spare fifteen bucks a month and a full-bore PC gaming rig, but whatever. And children can pretend to be gay, which of course makes children gay, which of course means... well, I'll let the Florida Family Association handle the hyperbolics from here. I think we all know what time it is.

"There were no LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) characters in any of the 'Star Wars' movies. So if BioWare, the maker of 'Star Wars' video games, adds LGBT characters for kids to select as their action figure it could be something like Darth RuPaula, a combination of Darth Vader, one of the most popular 'Star Wars' characters, and RuPaul, the renown transgender cross dresser."

There's no way around this that ain't through this, so let's hit it front to back, which I understand is also a problem for the Florida Family Association. First, at a bare minimum, the following Star Wars characters were LGBT: Lobot. Figrin Dan. All the Jawas. Yes, all of them. Lando was bi, but only on the DL. Mainly with the aforementioned Lobot. And, of course, Chewbacca, the ultimate bear.

Kids do not select an "action figure" to play an MMORPG. The term is "character", "avatar", or, for most teenage kids playing the game, "that chick whose boobs I can't make any bigger".

RuPaul is a drag queen. At best a transvestite, not transgendered. Also, it's "renowned" when it's an adjective, fuckfaces.

Why is there an "a" on the end of Darth RuPaul? None of the Darths have an "a" added to their names. That's not a thing. Also, wouldn't Darth RuPaul be the combination of RuPaul and Darth MAUL? Because Maul rhymes with RuPaul, making the whole thing make, if not sociopolitical sense, then at least lame parody sense? Also, you're explaining your shitty joke, which just makes it shittier. Also also, if anyone's so stupid they don't know that Darth Vader is "one of the most popular Star Wars characters", they're already in the Florida Family Association, and you can explain it to them in person and leave it out of the press release.

And speaking of shit we all should know, STOP TALKING ABOUT KIRK CAMERON IN MY FUCKING NEWS FEED. Anyone who's been paying attention for the past fifteen fucking years is aware that Kirk "Growing Pains" Cameron is a raging creationist Jesus-freak wingnut who hangs around with radical pastors and talks shit about gay people. This is long-established fact.

Making a big fuss about it just because he went on CNN and did it some more? That's wasting valuable time that could be better spent exploring which other decades-old children's toys Republican candidates are like. Get on the ball, assholes.


**"Bryan Lambert", if you were wondering.

***I also own Superbrothers: Sword and Sworcery, so fuck off. My cred is intact.