Archive - Mar 28, 2012


The Quasniki Protocol

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Memo to Rick Santorum, Scott Brown, and Geraldo Rivera: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's been a truly amazing week for stupid quotes. One of the best weeks in recent memory, in fact. It's as if a giant plume of stupidity were bubbling up from the North Sea floor and making a toxic cloud of idiocy that's forcing a whole bunch of coastal Scotland to evacuate. Oh wait, that's natural gas. Never mind. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

""If you haven't cursed out a New York Times reporter during the course of a campaign, you're not really a real Republican, is the way I look at it." - Rick Santorum, on Fox And Friends, explaining why he threw the word "bullshit" at a New York Times reporter attempting to call Santorum on his bullshit.

I've often said I wish politicians would swear more. Sometimes, as puppet candidate Marvin E. Quasniki would say, something is just bullshit, and you have to call the bullshit bullshit. Of course, American politics ruins everything that is good and wholesome and true, and so it is that the first-ever strident defense of the use of the word "bullshit" by a politician comes from Rick Fucking Santorum. Who, thanks to Google, knows a fair amount about shit, but his defense is one of the most jaded, cynical piles, of, well, bullshit I've heard in a long time.

See, the upright, moral, Jesus-fearing Santorum is going to get a pass on his potty-mouth because, well, he swore at a New York Times reporter, and everyone knows "New York Times reporter" is to "liberal communist hippie" what "urban hoodie-wearer" is to "negro". In other words, Republicans have two standards of behavior - the one they expect the rest of us to live up to, and the one that they get to use as long as it's against The Enemy.

And it's nice of him to admit it publicly, in all its spiteful glory, but it seems like the disconnect between that and Santorum's role as self-appointed theocrat of America's morals might be great enough for people to actually notice, for a change. I mean, yeah, Santorum's not going to win the nomination, but it'd be nice if he ended this thing with a status that somehow approaches his actual status as a national embarrassment.

"How to cook." - Massachussetts senator and nude male model Scott Brown, explaining exactly how the "strong-willed women" in his life had influenced him.

His wife, by the way, expounded on this by adding "how to clean" and "how to sew".

Yep, it's definitely women getting the short end of Republicans' short sticks this year. Scott Brown is, right now, as far to the left as any Republican is allowed to be. Running in Massachusetts against the either completely fucking awesome or willing to say completely fucking awesome things Elizabeth Warren, Scott Brown has become the poster boy for moderate Republicanism in 2012.

And even to Brown, all the wimmenfolk are good for is cookin', scrubbin, and sock-darnin'. Maybe making themselves a purty little dress for the Inauguration Ball. Ladies, if you're still wondering how bad it'd really be under Republican rule for you and the rest of your gender, well, this won't answer that. But it will pretty definitively answer how good it can possibly be. The scale tops out at tone-deaf, offensive, and rooted in the 50s despite Brown himself being ONE YEAR OLD when the 50s ended. Hope you got a lot of practice refighting the contraception wars of the 60s, because at this rate, you'll be neo-suffragettes in about five more years.

"I apologize to anyone offended by what one prominent black conservative called my ‘very practical and potentially life-saving campaign urging black and Hispanic parents not to let their children go around wearing hoodies'... By putting responsibility on what kids wear instead of how people react to them I have obscured the main point that someone shot and killed an unarmed teenager." - Geraldo Rivera, setting an all new standard in bullshit apologies.

This is fucking startling. This may be more startling than when he said hoodies were as much to blame for Trayvon Martin's death as the dude who shot him. Normally, there are two types of apologies. The first, sincere apologies that indicate the speaker knows what his mistake was and wants to atone for it, are kind of like unicorns. The second, half-assed gestures "if anyone was offended" by the totally true thing that they said and completely stand by? Those are like stupid people. They're fucking EVERYWHERE.

But Geraldo Rivera? That's what happens when a stupid person fucks a unicorn, apparently. He knows what he did was wrong. He blamed the victim for their clothing, not the person who shot them based solely on that clothing and the skin color under it. He admits it! But before he admits it, he makes sure to quote a black guy who TOTALLY AGREES WITH HIM, SO THERE.

We'd better hope the Geraldo Hybrid Apology doesn't catch on the way the Prius did, because reality is already in a full-blown war of attrition against the wingnuts, and it's losing badly. And Geraldo has just, possibly accidentally, invented the H-bomb.