Archive - Mar 2, 2012
2 March, 2012 - 21:10 — Bryan Lambert
Got some stuff to cover, but the nature of the first item really doesn't lend itself to the traditional opener, so let's break with tradition. Well, not the tradition of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, obviously. I mean, I did say I have a lot of stuff to cover. Just the other thing.
You see, Andrew Breitbart is dead. You may already know this. Dropped dead out of the blue of "natural causes" at the age of 43. Now, when a prominent figure in the political world, someone I've written about for years, drops dead despite being, apparently, just under 40 days older than I am, it would normally lead to thoughts about mortality, questioning one's purpose, one's Internet avocation, that kind of thing. Luckily for me, though, Andrew Breitbart was a shithead. No, that's not quite right. He was the consummate shithead.
Let's remember Breitbart in true YAD style. The third time his name appeared in this column was a metaphor for his entire life. It was Breitbart, relating a story where he was having a late liquid dinner, heard anti-war protesters, ran up on a balcony, stands in front of a flag, and flips those peace-loving hippies off as hard as he can. Except that they weren't protesting the United States military, they were protesting the forced use of child soldiers in Africa.
That's Andrew Breitbart. Obama worked for Acorn, so Breitbart got up on the balcony, yelled CHILD PROSTITUTION, and gave ACORN the middle finger. Doesn't matter that his fake pimp never dressed as a fake pimp in the actual offices, that the videos were found to have been edited within an inch of their lives, and that ACORN didn't do anything wrong - they still got taken down.
People say Obama's opponents are racist, so he finds a black woman, gets up on a balcony, yells RACIST, and gave Shirley Sherrod the middle finger. Doesn't matter that the video was edited to remove the exonerating context - a cowardly Vilsack of shit still fired her.
And he was right that Anthony Weiner was sleazy. The dude fights non-stop battles against corrupt government, anti-American protesters, reverse racism, and one erect penis, and guess which pants-dragon is the only one he actually legitimately and honestly slays?
I only agreed with Andrew Breitbart once. And it was when he took to Twitter to talk about how much he hated Ted Kennedy right after Ted Kennedy died. And even though Breitbart's hatred of Kennedy was fueled in part by some delusional "betrayal" of the blesssed Dubya by Teddy, the sentiment - that it's OK to speak ill of the dead when the dead were fuckers? I'm comfortable with that. The only difference between today and Wednesday is that on Wednesday, breathing wasn't on the long list of things Andrew Breitbart was bad at.
On a lighter note, remember that off-hand mention I made about Obama's opponents being racist? I'd like to thank Montana district court judge Richard Cebull for demonstrating exactly how that works, and exactly how you should interpret people who say they don't hate Obama because he's black, they hate him because of his policies.
See, Cebull got in trouble for forwarding an e-mail joke, the punchline to which is that Barack Obama's white mother was so drunk when she got pregnant with him that there was a better than even chance she might have had sex with a dog instead of a black dude. Upon getting caught, Cebull has been more contrite than most, to his sort of credit. But here's how he explained himself.
"The only reason I can explain it to you is I am not a fan of our president, but this goes beyond not being a fan. I didn’t send it as racist, although that’s what it is. I sent it out because it’s anti-Obama.“
And right there, the entire plausible deniability of the Tea Party on the racism thing goes up in smoke. Because when forced to choose between not making fun of Barack Obama, and making fun of Barack Obama in a blatantly racist way, they go with the racism because they hate Obama so much. To them, Barack Obama as president is so bad, they're willing to be racist in order to oppose it. Which is, in and of itself, racist. Sometimes, the enemy of my enemy is still my enemy, especially if that enemy of my enemy is burning a cross on my enemy's lawn. Sometimes, you've got to take sides, and some people take sides with racists.
And finally, in much, much, darker news, Fox and Friends is having a little demon baby. "Fox and Friends First" will bring the total number of Fox and Friends-branded hours per day to four, and thus will test the space-time continuum's ability to withstand that much front-loaded stupidity. Luckily, there's no fucking way Steve Doocy is going to get up an hour earlier just to help third-shift factory workers rationalize voting for Mitt Romney, so the hour will be hosted by a rotating series of generic, brightly-colored tools in the hopes of stealing audience share from Bob The Builder reruns.
If the experiment is a success, expect to see "Fox And Best Friends Forever" in an early-afternoon slot, and then, sometime in 2014, Fox will debut its most intellectually challenging hour of debate in the channel's entire history: Fox And Friends - Fox Friendship Is Magic. You'll never believe how adorable Doocy is with the little wings.