Archive - Mar 16, 2012


Can't Have Balls Without Dicks

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Memo to the Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools: YOU FAIL THE TEST.

It's been a while since I've mentioned this. Too long. I came up with it five years ago, and ever since, it's been the standard by which I judge the behavior of every theist on the planet:

If you truly believe that your God or Gods will like you better as a result of fucking up someone else's day, there is something wrong with you, your particular sub-brand of religion, or most likely, both."

That covers it all. Judgmental, dogmatic, exclusionary, dogmatic, violent. The whole gamut. It's independent of your belief system, how closely you follow it, or how entrenched that belief system is. If you think your supreme deity will beam its beams of golden love on you for being shitty to other people, go fuck yourself.

TAPPS, in Texas, needs to go fuck itself. It's a sports organization for private and parochial schools in Texas, which means it's a sports organization for parochial schools in Texas, which means it's an organization for Christian schools in Texas. Mostly. I mean, they have a Jewish school or two in there, but then they schedule games against the Jewish teams on the Sabbath and only change the date after their dickishness makes national news. But at least they let the Jewish kids play.

There are, it turns out, Muslim schools in Texas. This is as hard to believe as it must be to actually be a Muslim school in Texas, but it's true. And these Muslim schools, being both private and, in their own way, parochial. Oh, and they play soccer. Soccer is, in its own way, a sport. So what do you think happened when a Texas Muslim school tried to join the Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools? Well, the ass-tapps had a few minor questions. Just some concerns they wanted to allay before letting Muslims play soccer with their children. Nothing major.

"Historically, there is nothing in the Koran that fully embraces Christianity or Judaism in the way a Christian and/or a Jew understands his religion. Why, then, are you interested in joining an association whose basic beliefs your religion condemns?”

Oooh! I can answer this one! First, because they're in motherfucking Texas, and I bet it sucks playing soccer against the other Muslim school within driving distance over and over and over again, and two, because, um, since when is it a defining tenet of any religion to fully embrace other religions the way those other religions understand themselves? Christians only embrace Judaism so that they can say "Judeo-CHRISTIAN" without seeming like the die-hard theocrats they are. Oh, and some of them do the "Jesus was a Jew" thing which they totally think is totally not offensive.

"It is our understanding that the Koran tells you not to mix with (and even eliminate) the infidels. Christians and Jews fall into that category. Why do you wish to join an organization whose membership is in disagreement with your religious beliefs?”

Again, motherfucking Texas. If they were going to not mix with the infidels, they wouldn't be in motherfucking Texas, and if they were going to eliminate the infidels, they wouldn't start in the state with all the fucking guns. Also, "your understanding" of Islam comes from forwarded e-mails and Glenn Beck, so go fuck yourselves.

Man, this school must be hard up for decent competition. Forget joining an organization that is in disagreement with religious beliefs. How about joining an organization that's in disagreement with logic, reason, and not being assholes twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, for all six thousand years the Earth has existed? For fuck's sake.

"“How does your school address certain Christian concepts? (i.e. celebrating Christmas)”

I can handle this one too. By either not playing sports games, on account of all the Christian teams not playing because it's Christmas, or by playing sports games, because there seem to be professional sports games full of Christians on TV during all the major holidays, so maybe they figure that's what God wants, in which case the Muslim teams don't have anything in particular going on that day and can probably show up for the game.

"When was the Bible allegedly polluted? Does the Koran actually state that the Bible is polluted? What is your attitude about the spread of Islam in America? What are the goals of your school in this regard?”

Now they're just being dicks. And ruining the days of a bunch of Muslim kids in Texas because they think Jesus will like them better for it. There is, as I have noted above, something wrong with these people and their religion.

This questionnaire, by the way, went out to two other schools before Iman Academy, the school that prompted this story, received it. The other two schools took one look at the questionnaire, said, "Fuck these cracker-ass bastards*" and threw the things in the garbage, where all the other garbage shunned it for being worse than garbage. But Iman Academy took the questionnaire in the spirit in which it was totally not intended, answered it, in their words, "inclusively", and sent it back.

And TAPPS turned their request for membership down, because, well, they're dicks.

It'd be nice if Texas was at the point in its diversity curve where all these shit-on, non-Christian, private and parochial schools could form their own sports association, joined perhaps by Christian schools who aren't dicks but are in TAPPS because it's the only game in the state. And then the shitkickers could be the ones forced to only play in the Shitkicker Glenn Beck Memorial Klan League where the competition is limited and they can't even think up ways to trash-talk each other because they're all white Christians.

But since it's Texas, and since it's not 2065, that dream's a ways off.

*Or something to that effect, although I hope that's what they said verbatim.