Archive - Nov 2, 2012


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Memo to Election 2012: YOU ARE DUMB.

This is it, folks. Everybody in the pool. Monday is a special Mondays With Mitt, Tuesday is my traditional Election Day message. If you did something stupid in the run-up to the election, this is my last shot to make fun of you. SUPER SPASTIC PRE-ELECTION STUPIDITY DUMP LIGHTNING ROUND FRIDAY!

First, the Todd Akin supercut! Here's all the Todd Akin shit I didn't get to since "legitimate rape". His website full of fetus pictures, because that's how classy gentlemen roll. His wife said that Todd was the one really being raped, and I believe her, because he's not pregnant. He put a pic up on his website, under the banner "I'm A Women And I Support Todd", with him and three women. Two of those women were his wife and a Democratic "tracker" taping him to catch him saying more stupid shit. The third woman was just stupid.

He called his opponent, Claire McCaskill, a "wildcat" and "not ladylike" because she was mean to him in the debates. His campaign consultant compared his resiliency to David Koresh, and meant it as a compliment. He outright said employers should get to pay women less than men. He said women get abortions who aren't even pregnant. His campaign called McCaskill a dog, and it was revealed that he's been arrested a bunch of times for harassing women at abortion clinics in the 80s.

Oh, right. Punchline. Something funny. Here you go: McCaskill 45, Akin 43, as of October 27. HA HA HA HA WE'RE FUCKED.

Oh, and speaking of misleading ads, the RNC put out an ad featuring a Latina woman "breaking up with Obama" because she no longer supported him. That woman? RNC Director of Hispanic Outreach and never-Obama-supporter Bettina Inclan, because why the fuck not? Objects in mirror may be faker than they appear.

Ohio governor and Romney supporter John Kasich!

"It’s not easy to be a spouse of an elected official. You know, they’re at home, doing the laundry and doing so many things while we’re up here on the stage getting a little bit of applause, right?"

Hey, ladies! Ready to vote Republican? I've got your apron and your husband's sperm ready, just hand over your shoes and your independence and we'll get this party started!

Steve King, America's Stupidest Congresscritter, said we need to pass Voter ID laws "before we turn this country over to people who are not American citizens.” Since every single one of those people are NOT STEVE KING, I say why the hell not? Couldn't get worse.

Sarah Palin said America needs a "come to Jesus" moment in this election, because I guess the last 250 years of non-stop Come To Jesus Moments haven't quite done the fucking trick. Maybe Sarah Palin should have a Go To Jesus Moment instead. Or just a Go Moment.

Noted congressman and not-quite-acquitted war criminal Allen West took time out from torturing prisoners in Iraq to send a letter to his wife explaining that it was her duty to be his porn star when he got back from war, including "I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’"

Hey ladies, ready to vote Republican?

Before Chris Christie was forced by the largest storm in recorded history into actually doing his fucking job for a change, he was fluffing Romney's pro-life stance. Meanwhile, a few weeks later, Norm Coleman was convincing Republican Jews that Mitt Romney wouldn't overturn Roe Vs. Wade. Romney's even outsourcing his lying now.

Tommy Thompson's birther son... Guy who said women rape easy... Joe Walsh said science has eliminated death from childbirth... Scott "Dilbert" Adams endorses Romney and is still alive... Florida candidate wants to kick the U.N. off of American soil... Shuck and jive... Huckabee says vote for Obama or you'll burn in Hell... holy shit, there's been a lot of crap this election.

And finally, I'd like to thank Mitt Romney for turning storm relief into a thinly veiled campaign sideshow, showing his campaign videos, collecting things the Red Cross doesn't want, and buying more of those things at Wal-Mart so they can hand them to people as props to "donate" in front of the cameras. Because the 2012 election wasn't enough of a pathetic cardboard circus already.