Archive - Nov 15, 2012

That Again

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Memo to Texas and Wisconsin: KEEP THOSE TURD FIRES BURNING.

Oh yeah, baby. It's that time again! Time for the single greatest benefit of Barack Obama's re-election, apart from the people who'll be helped by his policies and not hurt by Mitt Romney's. It's time for the frustrated, white, put-upon, white, America-loving, White-America-loving, reactionary, white, wingnuts to talk shit about fighting the power, about revolution, about pretending to be paramilitary.

It's time for unironic cries of "WOLVERINES!" to echo across the suburbs once again. It's time for people to boast that they're keeping their powder dry while being demonstrably incapable of doing the same with their armpit fear-sweat. It's time for WINGNUT REVOLUTION II: TEAKETTLE BOOGALOO.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're wondering how there can be a second Wingnut Revolution when the first one only existed in the fevered minds of Internet conservatives and rallying teabaggers. You're wondering how there could be a second one if the first one didn't really end. Or start. You're wondering whether the right-wing's now infamous math skills will be enough to allow for the eventual Wingnut Revolution 3: Citizen Soldiers On Liberal-Hunting Patrol. Well let me assure you that WR2:TB is here, it's real, and if you don't do what it says, it's going to take its states and go home.

You see, Wingnut Revolution's goal was to "take this country back" from the melanin-rich hordes of Fake Americans that had gained control of it. Having failed, and failed spectacularly, at that goal, Teakettle Boogaloo aims to make a whole new country, or a bunch of them, and take THAT back. Or, to use the more traditional term, they want to secede.

Now, don't get me wrong. I fully remember 2004. I remember talk of the electoral map being divided into the United States of America (blue states) and Jesusland (red states). But that's the difference between liberals and wingnuts. LIberals pass a funny map around the Internet and leave it at that. Wingnuts start actual secession petitions and sign them in droves. Forty thousand in Texas alone. Liberals who joke about secession are, of couirse, pinko traitors. Wingnuts get empathy from Sean Hannity. At least, Texas nationalist leader Daniel Miller did. And he says shit like this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"“As the economy worsened, people began to ask, 'What if? Why do we need the middle man? Do we believe that we should have more layers of government than we absolutely need? Could Texas govern itself?’ I think really that self-determination is kind of the underpinning to all of this -- the ability to provide Texas solutions to Texas problems."

Now, it's never going to happen. Like the O.G. Wingnut Revolution, the secession movement is a bunch of sound and fury, signifying racism. But like Wingnut Revolution Classic, man, do I want to see them try. Hell, I'd love to see Texas secede.

We'd lose Austin, but I'm sure there could be a resettlement program. Build New Austin in Kansas, the state that could benefit the most from having an Austin. Plus, with some tough negotiations, maybe we could force Texas to take motherfucking Oklahoma with them. With the new nation of Shitkickembourg out of the way, California would be the biggest textbook market and could set the standards, leading to a minor educational renaissance. And we already know how to figure out barbecue from the Internet.

Hell, while we're at it, make Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia states, and we don't even have to change the flag. This is what is called a win-win. Or, more accurately, a win-win-OK-those-guys-lost-but-really-they-fucked-themselves-so-who-cares.

Meanwhile, in Wisconsin, secession isn't really on their mind, because let's face it, a sovereign Wisconsin would be surrounded by Minnesota, Canada, and Chicago. They'd be the Cheesrael of the Middle West. It would go badly for them. So instead, they're just going to puff out their chests like impotent blowfish.

"Rep. Chris Kapenga (R-Delafield) is one of the nine from Wisconsin who told the Campaign for Liberty he would back legislation to declare Obamacare illegal and allow police to arrest federal officials who take steps to implement it in Wisconsin. He said he believes the health care law is unconstitutional, despite the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling that it passes constitutional muster." - from a report in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel.

Wow, nine whole legislators? Good luck with that. That's enough to form a softball team if nobody gets hurt or, more likely, passed out in the bushes after getting drunk on Coors Light. If that threat were any emptier, NASA could test spacesuits in it.

So bring all your rage, wingnuts! Bring your schemes and your threats. Bring your noble proposals and your misquotes from "300". Keep your Cheeto-dust dry and your Jazzies charged. Because fuck knows I oould use the non-stop spray of subject material.