Archive - Jan 17, 2012

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Memo to Hollywood: PANDER TO ME.

As much as I'd like to explore the in-depth ramifications of Jon Huntsman pulling out of the race, I can't, because this sentence has taken me half an hour to type because I keep falling asleep. I feel kind of bad for Huntsman, who never made it into You Are Dumb on account of not saying stupid crazy shit all the time, but if he didn't realize that working for Obama was an automatic disqualification in this election, then maybe he should have been in the column after all.

Instead, I've decided to take a page from Big Hollywood's book. The way I figure it, if BH can post eight articles a day, all on the topic of why Hollywood, or specific actors, won't cater to their specific worldview, then I can do the same for one day.

Of course, when I say "worldview", I don't mean politically. I mean movies that, in this world, I would want to view. I keep seeing ads for movies that seem to be SPECIFICALLY designed to send me running away, screaming. Case in point. I was stuck in an AMC theater, sitting through an entire one of their godawful First Look ads for Joyful Noise.

So many personal dealbreakers there. It's about church. It's about singing. It's about reworking shitty pop songs in a new format, a la MOTHERHUMPING GLEE. It has Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah bantering with each other, for fuck's sake. Bantering in a fourth-wall-breaking way about Dolly Parton's many plastic surgeries. It has adversity, and the triumph thereover. And it's called "Joyful Noise", yet does not appear to include, at any point, the sound of Jim DeMint comically falling down a flight of stairs. This movie has nothing for me.

And speaking of nothing for me, "The Vow". Rachel McAdams in a coma! Which is a pretty good way to use Rachel McAdams, I admit, but apparently they have her wake up. And when she wakes up, she's married to Channing Tatum. and that's never good. You remember Channing Tatum, don't you? Tall, cube-headed dude unable to bring a sense of nuance or style to the role of Duke from G.I. Joe. But wait, there's more! She's forgotten she's married to Channing Tatum, which I think would be the movie's happy ending, but no! He has to win her heart all over again! And it's out in time for Valentine's Day! You may all commence hurling.

There's also a movie called Rampart, which I got excited about, but it turns out it's not about surviving offshore bombardments by being good at trackballs and Tetris, so FUCK THAT MOVIE.

I'm not looking forward to "Act Of Valor", but I am looking forward to it performing badly, and Big Hollywood using this as proof that liberal Hollywood hates soldiers. And then I'm looking forward to its 2013 awards snubs, and Big Hollywood using THAT as proof that liberal Hollywood hates soldiers. And it'll probably come out on video at some point, too, and the cycle will continue.

They're making another Dr. Seuss movie, which is always a bad idea because they always have to pad them out because the average Dr. Seuss books has fewer words than Herman Cain's vocabulary. This time they're padding it out by creating a brand new character and getting Zac Efron to play him. And then they made a girl for Ted to lust after, and got Taylor Swift to play her. I'd just like Hollywood to understand that those last two things were completely unnecessary, gratuitous, and superfluous. I already wasn't going to see the movie.

Wrath of the Titans. Wrath. Of the Titans. Wrath of. The titans. Titans, comma, Wrath of the. Nope. I believe this one falls under the old saying, "Fool me once, really, you got lucky playing off my nostalgia for the old Harryhausen flick which at least made some goddamned sense, unlike your ridiculous fucking remake. Fool me twice, ain't gonna fucking happen.

Shit. I've made a horrible miscalculation. I decided to look ahead through April for this column, and April is when the Old Ones are reawakened. Cthularry, Cthumoe, and Cthurly. I mean, that month brings a romantic drama about a returning Iraq vet, the American Pie reunion movie, and an Eddie Murphy comedy-with-a-message that has been sitting on a studio shelf for FOUR YEARS, and they all pale in comparison to the horrors that will be unleashed upon the world with the release of The Three Stooges.

And the worst part is, it's not even going to be a 3-D post-conversion, so you can't try to save your sanity if you're forced to see it by insisting on the 3-D version, leaving the glasses off, and stuffing Raisinets in your ears. And with the gridlock in Congress, I don't think Bernie Sanders' "Mitigating Circumstances Act" making it legal to kill, in self-defense, anyone who insists you go see "The Three Stooges" will make it out of committee. And that crack James Franco fell into and had to chew his arm off to get out of? Booked solid for the entire 126 hours before the "Three Stooges" release date.

Me, I'm seriously considering going to see "The Vow" just to try and re-create Rachel McAdams' coma. Three weeks ought to do it.